I was languishing miserably last week - surgery-free, thanks, and I'll write more about THAT when I'm actually feeling all the way better - when suddenly a thought occurred to me from out of the blue.
THE OPRAH HOLIDAY GIFT LIST WAS COMING OUT SOON! I MUST RECOVER AT ONCE!
So, in my much-thinner (good gracious) hands, I am now holding the December issue of O Magazine and once again I am having my annual realization that Oprah and I are very, very different people. For one, I am sarcastic and unlikely to tell you how to live a life full of miraculous miracles, and for another, I am unlikely to gift you with a $350 tray with a painting of your dog on it (so very sorry). Does this mean that I think expensive dog art is therefore NEVER a suitable gift? No, the wealthy and childless dog lovers of this world are entitled to their kicks, too.
And oh, it is a childless list. There are nearly as many presents for obsessive pet lovers as there are for children, which is the sort of thing that makes me think that Oprah and I wouldn't really get along.
Off I go!
This year's list has a slightly different set-up - Oprah's stable of spin-off people all have their own lists, each with a different feel and each with a little introductory blurb about what they value in gift-giving (Suze Orman, for example, likes to give non-cluttery consumable gifts while Gayle King points out that a good gift is chosen specifically for one person only.). We begin with Oprah herself:
1) A hand-painted tray with a picture of your dog, cat or other animal on it. It's $350 and Oprah suggests I give this to "a friend" when frankly, my friends are lucky if I drop off a cheap bottle of wine at Christmas. So this is not going to happen, but it's quite pretty as an object. Do you know someone who is over-attached to their pet and do you also have vast piles of money? Then here you go, Scrooge McDuck.
2. An old-fashioned Amish popcorn pot with... a bottle of truffle oil and a jar of truffle salt. Of, of course. It's $79, but I've found the Amish popcorn makers for around $30 and it might be a nice gift for one of those earnest outdoorsy sort of families. Not mine, though. We are unearnest and make our popcorn in a cheap-o air popper and then I do not eat it because popcorn is vile.
3. The Microdelivery In-Home Vitamin C/Peptide Peel set, which costs $70. Now, this is just me here, but if someone gave me two small, very expensive bottles of face fixer, I wouldn't think "How luxurious!" but rather "I am old and haggard and desperate measures are being taken to fix my Cryptkeeper-esque face." I do think that this is the sort of thing that you should either buy for yourself or only if specifically requested as a gift.
4. A rather lovely pair of owl-print pajamas that I would totally yearn for if they were not $68 (for Oprah magazine readers and $84.95 for the rest of you), which is just more than I spend of pajamas, no matter how owly. If that strikes you as a fine price, they ARE very cute.
5. Custom-designed notepads - five of them - with your very own beloved dog drawn upon them for $298.00. Holy heck! How much do you like that freaking dog? Now, maybe you are an affluent sort of person who values high-quality objects and I'm not trying to ruin your fun. I am, however, trying to ask for money.
6. Citrusy lotion and body wash. How nice! Less nice is that they cost $85 and $75 EACH. EACH! Does my enjoyment of my lotion and body wash increase exponentially with every ten dollars I spend? I am boggled.
7. A miniature easel with a "luscious four-ply card stock" calendar. $125. There are many things in this world I do not get - hard maths, the popularity of Celine Dion - and right up there with those would be expensive paper products. I just do not understand.
8. Tubes of handmade gingersnaps, which is pretty nice. I could hector on in my annual Cookies-Are-Not-Hard-To-Make-Luxury-Objects fashion as usual, but I'm tired this year and frankly a tube of gingersnaps sounds like a sensible, lovely thing after a $125 calendar and a $85 bottle of lotion.
9. Sweet potato butter. $9. Well, sure. This is fine.
10. The LIFE documentary.$39. A family member gives us documentaries every year, which we never watch because we are a frivolous people and undeserving of such intellectual splendor. I'm betting we get this one.
11. High-gloss wooden jewelry boxes. $185. These actually look much nicer on the shop's site than they do in the magazine, which features the avocado green and orange versions. Do not give me an avocado green jewelry box.
12. The O magazine AP for one's iPad. I don't want this, either, but someplace, some childless self-actualized dog lover is just delirious with joy. Good for them, I say. And also: Don't hang out with me!
13. An iPad. $499. They cost $499? Where was I when all the money was being handed out? GEEZ. Why am I such a freaking Luddite pauper?
14. An iPad cover that looks like an antique book. If I had an iPad and $70 more, I would so want this.
Onto Dr. Oz! I was somewhat startled to see that I liked his list the best, having felt no particular kinship with him in the past. Apparently, though, he is my Oprah-land soulmate. How startling.
1. Single Origin Chocolate Bars. $7. YES. See, this is the sort of thing I might actually give to a friend for Christmas or use as a stocking stuffer for my husband. The packaging on these is beautiful.
2. Saucony ProGrid Kinvara sneakers. $90. I'm just going to give up on my mission to stop having athletic shoes be an acceptable gift. GO AHEAD. I AM TOO SICK TO CARE ANYMORE.
3. Nigella Lawson's ceramic measuring cups. $26. If you ignore Dr. Oz's suggestion that these are great for portion control - seriously, do not give people the Gift Of Portion Control for Christmas- these are a lovely, covetable object.
4. Nike Sport Band. $59. I can think of lots of hearty, athletic acquaintances of mine who would love this. Why do we hang out, hearty athletic acquaintances? What do we possibly have in common?
5. Middle Colors Ultrasonic Small Humidifier, $120. This is a fair chunk of change, but it's so appealing - like a Barbapappa! - and I keep humidifiers running all winter, so I'm going to come out and say that I like it.
6. Monogrammed Yoga Mat - $28. This is good for someone who is not me, and comes in many pretty colours.
7. Belle De Nuit Silk Sleep Mask. $30. My oldest loves those sleep masks one can buy at the tween accessory stores because she is an elegant lady. I would like this one and while I'm at it, I'd like someone to keep my loud, loud children busy on Saturday mornings.
Suze Orman time!
1. Little red Chinese money envelopes- $2 for 40. One of my aunts sends my kids money gifts in those little red envelopes and they are THRILLED.
2. Suze Orman's book "Thoughts That Can Change Your Life." Well, if I was writing a gift list and had also written a book (possible title: "Many Things Irritate Me"), I most certainly would include it. Do you know someone who reads O magazine earnestly? If so, here's a book for them.
3. Great Expectations Double Discovery Gift - $48. It's one of those nicely packaged boxes of gift foods- baklava, nuts, cheeses, smoked sausage and chocolates - and while I can't quite imagine getting one, I certainly wouldn't complain. It's the gift of SAUSAGE.
4. A set of three extra-virgin olive oils. $85. Sigh.
5. Silver Elephants note cards,12 for $75, I am not kidding. They are hand-edged-and-stamped in silver, and yet still. These would be great if you correspond with The Queen on a monthly basis.
6. Black and Decker Studio Shredder. $40. My mother-in-law has a paper shredder and faithfully shreds all mail, while we were given one and it sat in its box until we gave it away. Your call.
7. The Ultimate Bath And Shower Mini Oil Collection, which is a pricey $68 and yet I would still like. It will go nicely with my new silk eye mask/lady of leisure shtick.
Nate Berkus time.
1. The Nook book reader- $149. I guess this is the sort of thing that people who like this sort of thing will want. I would like one, thank you.
2. A purple Christmas tree ball that Nate Berkus designed and that costs $20. Profits go to a children's hospital, which makes buying a solitary $20 tree ball a lot less scalding.
3. Ray-Ban Metal Glide Aviator glasses - $140. I buy all my sunglasses at truck stops, because I just WRECK 'em. You may possibly be more careful than me. It would be hard to be less.
4. V-Neck Crewneck Cashmere Sweaters. - $145. I would like mine in orchid, but this is not going to happen, because I don't run in $145 gift sweater circles. Poor sweet cashmereless me.
5. Two decks of Tiffany playing cards - $30. These belong to a different life than mine - something affluent and suburban and American and set in 1952 and the husband and wife are playing cards in the living room with the neighours they're having affairs with. I think John Cheever wrote it.
6. Nate Berkus for HSN Ikat Bowl - $30. "Don't shy away from giving gifts for the home," writes Nate. "A decorative bowl works for everything from fruit to keys and mail." Oh yeah? We gave friends a perfectly nice decorative bowl, which decorated their laundry room bath for a while. Decorative objects are a tricky thing to give. I strongly recommend against giving decorative objects.
7. Fish-eye-lens camera $50. This is hilarious! I could easily see giving this to my husband for Christmas.
I'm not even in the homestretch yet. Good grief. Why did I ever start doing these posts? But courage, self! Onto Gayle King's list.
1. A Southern-Style Pound Cake topped with fresh flowers inside a satin hat-box. $104. As an object, it's quite lovely. Cake! Flowers! A pretty puffy satin box! I like all of these things. But $104 is a lot of clams for a cake.
2. Spring Bouquet Floral Leather Clogs - $68. I like these. I can't quite imagine giving people shoes as a gift, though - can you? Sweaters, yes but shoes just seem sort of.... weird.
3. Harlem Toile De Jouy Limited Edition Plates - 6 for $69. Oh, these are pretty.
4. Exercise videos. Jari Love's Get Extremely Ripped 1000 - $12.The Hayes Way - $12 and Turbo Jam $60 for 5 disc set. I'm getting the Get Extremely Ripped one for my grandma and the Turbo Jam set for my great-aunt who is a retired minister, because what I'd really like my Christmas gifts to them to say is "Please be buffer."
5. Renato Collezioni Women's Beauty Chronograph Watch - $319. This is, apparently, a bargain, and yet I am still unlikely to wear something on my wrist that is worth MORE THAN MY HAND.
6. Pratesi Signature 3 LinesTerry Robe - $700. Um, I got a robe for Christmas last year. It's blue and fluffy and good to wear when I'm feeling delicate/hungover/too lazy to even put on pajamas. I love my robe. It cost, I believe, $45. I understand that there are more luxurious versions of robes and so forth, but $700 for a terry robe? Really? And I'm supposed to buy TWO of them? There is no one I like enough on this planet that I would spend $700 on a ROBE for them.
7. Milk chocolate African- American Santa - $8. Hey, he's cute! Here's a nice stocking stuffer.
Dr. Phil's list, which is sort of endearingly out-of-it.
1. A collection of four French cheeses and a bottle of wine - $80. I would like this. Dr. Phil could give this to me and it would only be slightly creepy.
2. Cowshed Bath and Massage Oil - $27. Whenever someone says "massage", I say "Sensual MAY- sahggh" like Austin Powers, which proves two things: 1. I am immature and 2. I need to watch more recent movies. Do you like to give sensual may-saahghs? Here you go. I do not suggest giving it to your boss.
3. Lammes Candies Longhorns - $22. A box of candy makes a fine gift, I guess, but nut allergies being common these days, I would check first.
4. Ancestry.com Family Tree Maker - $32. I would like this, but I find that people are radically divided when it comes to family trees - half of the world seems to find it an interesting, compelling hobby while the other half finds it a grave-stirring waste of time. It's probably best to know which one your givee is before giving this.
5. MinoHD 1Hr. flip movie cameras - $180. These are nice, I guess.
6. Williams-Sonoma Cashmere Throw - $198. This is fine as an object, but I really am feeling resentful that I wasn't born into the $198 cashmere throw segment of society. All I get are Grandma-knitted afghans.
7. Pulse Seven-Inch Frame - $130 We got three of those digital photo frames for Christmas last year, all of which are still sitting in immaculate unopened condition. So your gift givee probably got one last year OR is your grandmother and will just find this confusing.
Valerie Monroe. Who is she? I do not know.
1. Maison Francis Kurkdjian Les Bulles d'Agathe - $18. PERFUME SCENTED BUBBLES! This is the sort of magical little thing that my husband - who is the best husband ever - gives me for Christmas.
2. Stainless Steel Carafe - $229. Oh, for Pete's sake. Is spending $229 on a stainless steel water pitcher really going to make you happy?
3. Faces of the World Chocolates - $12. For the chocolate jaded palate, apparently, although if I ever get jaded enough to start considering "tahini" a legitimate chocolate option, I should probably take up a challenging hobby.They're kind of spiffy looking, though.
4. E.L.F. Cosmetics 100-Piece Eyeshadow Palette - $10. I used to consider those million-shades-of-whatever sets a big ol' waste of money and then I suddenly had an 11 year old daughter who wants to experiment with eyeshadow at sleepovers and now I am like I AM GOING TO BUY HER THIS SO SHE WILL STAY OUT OF MY MAKEUP.
5. Four Expesso Cups with Silver Spoons - $140. POINTLESS EXTRAVAGANCE.
6. Clinique Click and Be Happy - $28. This, however, is fun - three mix-and-match perfume wands/lip gloss sticks - and a decent price, too.
7. Limited Edition Creme de Corps by Jeff Koons - $70. Profits go to charity. And meanwhile, you've just spent $70 on a bottle of lotion. You, my wealthy friend, are so very different than me.
Adam Glassman
1. Turkish Cotton Bath Towels - $55 each. We got some nice bath towels last year - to replace the last ones we got, which were wedding gifts 12 years ago. So I am all for nice bath towels, but if you spend $55 on them, I'm hardly going to use it to dry my family with, AM I.
2. Claude Dozorme Cutlery Steak Knives in rainbow - $160 for six. Here's science for you: if you give someone knives - and are you really going to give someone a $160 set of steak knives? - you have to give them some money with it, which they then give BACK to you, thus buying the knives in superstition land and preventing the severing of your friendship.
3. Joan Boyce for HSN ASpen Shadow Misses - $50. These are sparkly fuchsia boots. Perhaps you know someone who would like sparkly fuchsia boots.
4. Protocol Tiger Jet with Gyro- $39. HEY IT'S A PRESENT FOR A KID I FEEL KIND OF WOOZY! My kids would love one of these flying helicopters. However, my in depth knowledge of my children lets me know with utter certainty that they would spend most of their time trying to fly the helicopter right into each other's heads. I certainly hope your children are better behaved.
5. 48 bite-sized latkes - $32. Someone buy me this. I am feeling delicate and would like to eat latkes, thank you.
6. Printed tissue-weight cashmere wraps - $122. There is pointless extravagance and then there's point-ful extravagance, a rare category of magical and lovely spendy things. How I would love a tissue-weight cashmere wrap.
7. Kyle MacLachlan's red wine - $52. My dad makes wine. If you're really nice to me, I'll give you a bottle of the piquant red wine he makes from beets. It tastes amusingly of beets.
Martha Beck. I do not know who she is, but her last name is oddly familiar to me.
1. Aluminum wallet - $39. "Conspiracy theorists will love this!" writes Beck, who is not me. What I mostly want for the conspiracy theorists of my acquaintance is for them to stop bothering me with their FREAKING THEORIES. Merry Christmas to me!
2. Glass ornaments set with feathers in them - $58 - These will, Beck writes, "scatter good feng shui." Oh, certainly - but having grown up country, feathers don't remind me so much of "ethereal beauty" as "dead plucked birds hanging up in the porch." Doesn't that take all the romance out of them?
3. Personalized 80-piece youth art set - $20. Well, this is nice, especially if you know an artsy kid.
4. The Gift Of Nothing by Patrick McDonnell $14 - The characters of the Mutts comic strip star in a slim children's book. I haven't seen it, but I guess it would be fine.
5. "Adopting" an elephant. From $50. This is nice, although I tend to favour human-based charities over the animal variety. That's a personal thing, but it's worth noting that it's also one that many people share.
6. Every National Geographic since1888. $56 This strikes me as a fantastic sort of thing, and I'm actually mulling over getting it for my husband, who would likely never use it - but it has its own wild romance, doesn't it?
7. Ethical Bean Coffee - $12. Back before my husband swore off The Demon Coffee, this is the sort of thing I would put in his stocking. Now that he is free of vice, I'm not putting ANYthing in it. Serves him right.
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49 comments:
Thank you for doing this list! I love your take on the overindulgence. I too am a Luddite pauper, so you're not alone.
I'm concerned about my correspondence with the Queen. What stationery will I use after the 1st year is up and I am out of my silver elephant note cards?
It's not like I can just recycle my luscious 4-ply calendar, is it?
Happy Holidays, my friends are getting pies. If you lived closer, I'd bring you one!
LOVE the Barbapapa reference. Your writing amuses me no end. Thank you!!
this is my favorite sign that Christmas is coming- being that we don't have seasons and all- your take on the list that is surprisingly like mine.
you didn't disappoint, friend. you're cooler than oprah- any day of the week.
I got stuck on sweet potatoes. I mean, butter, sure. But sweet potatoes? Yuck.
I do love that your snark is back.
Well, the whole multiple contributor aspect boils down to a big "Eff you, Rachel Ray!" Awkward.
Mmmm. Beety wine. I bet it pairs well with any kind of game meat. Am I right?
My favorite part is: There are many things in this world I do not get - hard maths, the popularity of Celine Dion - and right up there with those would be expensive paper products.
Thanks for doing this. I love, love it. And when it comes time for the 2011 version, I'll help do some of the data entry work! That's got to be time consuming.
I live in the sort of poverty where mostly families just get together and enjoy, well, togetherness, with no adult gifts whatsoever. Just food, wine, and...each other. You'd think this may make a person sad, but it's actually pretty great. The kids are a different story and very, very spoiled. :0)
I hope you are well soon, especially in time for Christmas!
Yay! I love when you do your list. So glad you were up to it. Feel better!
Very, very good list as usual. I always enjoy this. But Beck! Valerie Monroe is the beauty editor! How did you not know? Do you not read "Val Says"?
And yes, I'm not so sure why there are so many shoes on the list, athletic or otherwise. And I'm hardly going to gift someone something that says "Hey! You're fat and out of shape and also wrinkly! Here are some athletic shoes/ measuring cups for your portions, you fat whore/ creams to make your hideous face less hideous". I mean, really.
Beet wine? Really?
Ridiculously awesome.
I had to come over immediately when I saw that you had tackled Oprah's list again! I just love your snarky commentary.
And I must say...this year I'm surprised that there were a couple of reasonably-priced good suggestions. That's uncharacteristic.
I saw Oprah(on tv) for the 1st time in a long while. It was A Favorite Christmas things show. Everyone in the audience got to clean up. We're talking those tall looking jewelry boxes, complete with a starter $1,000 pair of diamond earrings in each & everyone. Everybody. In. the audience. and, and, and.
I had to go read some seriously gruesome murder mystery to re-set my equilibrium.
Thanks for the post. Loved it, as always.
In the absence of a tissue-weight cashmere wrap, may I offer you a tissue weight comment? You are awesome. Love this.
All I could think when I read this was, "She's baaaackk!"
Awesome bit of awesomeness, as per usual. This was a particularly endearing line:
These would be great if you correspond with The Queen on a monthly basis.
What would my end of November be without your Oprah list? I feel all is right and normal now. Feel better quick, my friend. :v)
NOW it is beginning to feel like the season! Love your take and so happy you are well enough to post.
and that, my friend, was your Christmas gift to US. :)
thank you.
can I just swear off actual presents all together? i'm just not feeling it this year.
unless someone gets ME a really fabulous, expensive robe to put on after my sensual massage which, of course, was preceded by a great workout video. then maybe I'd be in the mood.
YAY!
I made myself wait until this morning to read this, just so I could savor it with my morning coffee. While wearing my cheap robe that I got for the hospital when I was having my first child. I am SO not the right demographic for this list, but I am absolutely the right demographic to laugh hysterically at it. So thank you, many times, for sharing it with the rest of us!
(Although I do now really want that antique book cover for the iPad I don't have. That is just all kinds of awesome.)
(Also, please write that book. I would love to read something titled Many Things Irritate Me.)
You never fail to be brilliant with this list; your witty snark is unequaled! And it was very long list this year, too.
FYI, Martha Beck is a writer you might look into. I read her book "Expecting Adam" a couple years and would love to hear what you think of it. She's also written some about her departure from the Mormon church (which I haven't read).
"For anyone who reads O earnestly!" Ha! I laugh, but they are out there and they are numerous, God help us. :)
I loved your commentary, as usual! You are so, so funny Beck. (And you are a WAY better Beck than that other chick.)
I liked those measuring cups so much that I added them to my online wishlist and I was going to add the fancy lady of leisure eye mask as well, but when I got to the site, I saw that the CEO had misspelled quiet, calling it "quite" instead. Unforgivable. So, no fancy lady of leisure eye mask for me. :)
At any rate, you amuse me to the hilt and I love reading you. I know taking on this list was QUITE a feat for ya (see, THAT'S how you use 'quite')(ugh!), but I am so glad you did it! That is your gift to me. So there, you can scratch my name off of your list now. :)
For Christmas this year, I wish you HEALTH, you poor soul, and perhaps something in cashmere. :) Get well dear Beck! The world needs you! :)
PS: John Ross's comment... HILARIOUS!
Hmmmm. This does very little to help me, with a suddenly VERY MUCH LARGER family to buy things for this year, what with all the steppishness. And here I thought Oprah would have all the answers!!!
you never fail us, beck.
thank you.
This was absolutely amazing! Yes, yes, yes. Please, please, please make this an annual feature. Maybe you can do Martha Stewart next. And FYI a friend got me these. WAAY cuter than the set on the list!
http://www.pier1.com/Catalog/Dining/tabid/493/List/0/CategoryID/111/level/a/ProductID/6333/ProductName/Floral-Measuring-Cups--Set-of-4uu/Default.aspx
Thank you for this. Freakin' hilarious.
Incidentally, I have a dog. And if someone spent $350 on a plate with the dog's picture on it, I would promptly throw it at them. Too weird.
A cheaper way to get all the National Geographics is to go to any yard sale, at least here in Ottawa.
There may even be a rule that if you advertise your yard sale far enough in advance, the National Geographics will show up in the dead of night. Beware bringing them into your house! They never leave and they are very, very heavy to move about.
I'll admit it. I wishlisted the orphaned baby elephant adoptions. But only b/c we already support several human charity organizations. And b/c my pregnancy hormones would not let me not wishlist someone adopting a baby elephant and naming it after me.
Also, you are hilarious and I'm glad you rallied your from your delicate condition long enough to spread the holiday snark. Feel better!
Christmas time is here again!
man i love you beck!
This was fantastic! I wanted to say so many things, but I kept reading, and laughing out loud, and forgetting all the things I was going to say...but still, it was HILARIOUS! Thank you!
Oh this is GREAT.
Remember when Oprah was one of us? Your Oprah gift list rebuttal cracks me up every year. I love it!
You closed out my Thanksgiving with a laugh. So glad to see this list---totally great commentary.
As wonderful as ever!
Word verification: "mozooc"
As usual, you have made my year.
So, I wrote you a loooong comment the other day and Blogger wouldn't let me post it. I'm going to see if Blogger likes me better today.
Apparently what blogger didn't like was that my comment (which, yes, I did save last night) was too long. Let's try it in two chunks:
I feel that I will need to comment as I go. This involves toggling, but I've already stayed up too late, so I'm up for it.
1. I'm so excited for the gift guide, I mean for your review of it.
2. I clicked over to the dog trays expecting them to be at least pretty, but they're not! They're quite awful! At least, they reminded me of bathroom art from my childhood. Which made me laugh quite a lot.
3. I just ate a bag of microwaved popcorn because I hoped it would be good, but it wasn't. "Vile" is accurate.
4. (And now I'm starting to worry that I should have numbered my comments the same as the items on your list, but the hour is just too late to start over.) I can find out what day it is--assuming I've forgotten--by clicking that corner thing on my computer desk top, and it was included free in the cost of the computer. But maybe they include a tiny fountain pen to make tiny notes on the calendar, so it's (kind of) functional?
5. Yeah, I kind of like the humidifier too.
7. Olive oils and note cards for almost $100? I thought Suze Orman was supposed to be good with money.
7. The review on the shredder at Amazon concludes: "This is definitely no good for anyone unless you shred one to two pieces of mail per day. Other than that, get something better that actually works correctly."
8. Wait, you're not in the home stretch yet? But I stayed up so late already.
9. Worth more than your hand made me laugh hard. But, I once asked my husband if he would literally give up his pinkie finger for a million dollars and he said yes, which shocked me. I wouldn't.
10. My children are not better behaved.
11. So Dr. Phil is back with Oprah now? And did that tabloid tell the truth about him breaking up with his wife Robin? Is that why he's back with Oprah?
12. I know who Martha Beck is. She has a sister named Zina. This is true, and I'm pretty sure her sister Zina is named after the same Mormon pioneer I am. Last I knew, Martha was no longer LDS. Martha once wrote a column for Oprah, and this is also true, about how if you're feeling bad about yourself you should go to the mall and look for ugly people, and they will make you feel a little less ugly. (She did not learn this practice from official LDS teachings.) Also, why would conspiracy theorists like aluminum wallets? Is that a tin hat joke?
13. Anthropologie already sold out of the feather ornaments, but now I want to hand-make adorable wool felt ornaments for everyone I know. I have time, right? As soon as I finish writing this comment.
14. Okay, the Mutts book is cute and my daughter would LOVE the art set and probably also the National Geographic set although I think I'd like it better as a web subscription than on CD-Roms (which are very last-millenium). So I guess Martha Beck is a pretty good gift-giver, even if I wouldn't want to run into her at the mall. (I would hate to help her feel so much better about herself.)
15. Remind me that before my kids go back to school on Monday I might wish to start sleeping at night.
(But this was fun.)
Oh my word. I am freaking exhausted reading that. I can't imagine you writing it all. If you were on the mend before that may have just set you back a bit. ;)
All of these people are crazy. Nuts. Seriously. 98% of these gifts are so far out of my realm of thinking that I honestly can't even read it without getting a headache.
I need a drink.
Hope you are getting healthier and healthier by the minute!
Well, if I didn't want to see my husband for the better part of 2011, that Nat'l Geographic set would be PERFECT.
The best 'fancy-ass' gift we've ever seen was the gift of an olive tree in Italy. The recipient would get a certificate plus a shipment of olive oil two times in the following year. We couldn't figure out if it was possibly to actually visit 'your' tree though...and would they let you carve your initials in it?
OH MY STARS. I am so thankful that you left your sick bed long enough to post this.
Thoughts:
Oprah's #8: I actually receive a tin of those cookies from my uncle every year, because it's a local item for him. I have to say, they are delicious and I look forward to receiving them.
Oprah's #10: Isn't that sort of a shameless self promotion? Didn't she narrate it? I saw part of it on tv the other day and, while it was interesting, the sound of Oprah was too much for me.
Suze Orman:
Honestly Suze? The one who wants us to control our spending is asking us to shell out $85 for olive oil?
Dr. Phil:
You know, I think I'd take a grandma-knitted throw over a cashmere one any day. Because I would be too scared to actually use a $190 throw. "You're cold? Do you mind washing your hands and using this lint roller before you climb under that cozy throw?"
Adam Glassman (who is he?):
I'm with you on the towels. Only I still haven't replaced mine from my wedding 12 years ago.
So appreciate your commentary. I needed a good fit of giggles today.
The list is up!
It's officially Christmas!!
Thought you might like this list of top ten gifts for the "soulless fat cat in your life": http://www.alternet.org/story/149079/10_gift_ideas_for_the_soulless_wall_st_fat_cat_in_your_life
Holy crap. Anything with Cowshed in the name is probably out for me, but I'd take all the rest of it. Just let me know when it will all arrive, okay? My PO box won't fit it all.
Rolling.On.The.Floor.
Priceless. Or should I say PRICEY?
LOL
Fantastic job, Beck. Love it!
I read this whole thing... because it reminded me so much of ME! Your wording is amazing, and I'm glad you have as much scorn for ridiculous presents as I.
Very amusing, as always. So sorry to hear that you have been sick and at the most inconvenient time of the year but glad that you are doing better. Merry Christmas, Beck.
Oh Beck. It's been too long since I've visited you! Just now reading your Oprah Christmas gift list post from last year. Hey. So I'm behind. It is still funny and made my entire evening. I really needed the laughs! (I especially liked your John Cheever comment)
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