So I watched The Bachelor Pad last night, where THE WORST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD - like Machiavelli, but with bikinis and endless booze and apparently really severe head injuries - all crowded together into a house to win luv/a pile of money. And now my eyes have herpes*, which serves me right for letting my boredom and lethargy lull me into watching such z-grade Bread and Circus crap.
*Okay, no they don't. I was EXAGGERATING for COMIC EFFECT.
"Hey Beck," you might be asking (you're not, but let's pretend), "You're not writing much these days. What's up? Have you wearied of the glamour of blogging?" And no, no I have not. But I am kind of really depressed these days, which is less fun than it sounds and also not worth writing about. My feeeeeelings! It's being dealt with, but it would be totally self-indulgent to write about it (all grim, heavy adjectives) and then I'd want to kick my own butt when I get feeling better.
This means I'm not writing a lot these days. But what with all the not writing and everything, I have a lot of new time for other low-key, depressed person hobbies, like genealogy. I'm mostly trying to track down my father's German-American grandmother - with no luck - because she's the only dead-end I have, and my father is unenthusiastic about the whole thing since she was a dour, unlikeable, hard-luck woman, so much so that my grandfather ran away at 13 and joined the actual, literal circus.
Character is a funny thing, isn't it? My lost German-American great-great-grandmother had a lot of kids, was rural poor and lost her husband young (he was HIT BY A TRAIN) and was nasty-tempered and sour. My mother's great-grandmother ALSO had a lot of kids, was rural poor, lost her husband young - and was a lovely, high-spirited, funny woman who is still missed now, half a century later. And that haunts me, the idea that similar experiences can end in such different people, the idea that the world breaks some people and not others. And now, of course, we can watch fame-hungry dimbulbs break themselves for our entertainment. I'd feel sympathy, but I'm all lazy and stuff, so I'm just going to point and laugh. Haw haw!
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25 comments:
i can not watch that kind of show, and just want to shake people who do. if people stop watching it, then they'll stop airing that drivel. ack.
hope you feel better soon. I was pretty depressed right after the move, and am kind of coming out of the funk now, but not fully yet.
Oh Beck, I'm so sorry you're feeling depressed. I wish I could help you out or give you a big hug or something. I think you're awesome and such a great writer and I also think you would be a fun person to hang out with, were we ever in the same part of the country.
Now, about the Bachelor Pad...my husband was watching it. I was like, what is this show even about? He said, T&A. Which is pretty much right but he didn't even know what the concept was. Apparently it's like Survivor? But...with hot tubs? I don't know.
I only watched that stinkin' show last night because my friend begged me to so that we could both laugh at it for comic relief. But I wasn't laughing. It was so pitiful and disgusting. I just can't do it. Ugh. Just horrible. Not one redeeming person to root for on the whole show. Blah.
So sorry about the dumps your in. I wish you would write about it. Sometimes it helps just to get it all out there. We are sort of in a funk over here as well and writing about it did help a bit. Still, life can be depressing and sad at times. And your story of how two people can differently handle the same situation just reminds me that crappy things happen but it is the way you handle those crappy things that really makes a person special. I'll have to KEEP reminding myself that. ;)
Hope you feel better soon!
I hope you are lifted from the depths quickly. One of my favorite quotes is something Arlo Guthrie said on the Precious Friend album he recorded with Pete Seeger (welcome to my childhood): "You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in." I'm sure that's not helpful, but I wanted to say it anyway.
Now I must tell you, I have uncontrollable giggles at your eyes having herpes from the Bachelor Pad.
Darn I missed it?! Ha Ha Ha. Even I have my reality standards. Sorry to hear you are feeling down. I hope you get your feelings feeling better soon. ;)I definitely have my up and down cycles throughout the year and even when I am up I need to remind myself not to fall in. I think I am just predisposed to be a half empty kind of girl.
Feel better.
I have no idea why, but I watched it too. So this cracked me up.
Not that you're depressed and stuff, that's not funny. But you are. I totally get the depressed thing and not being able to feel like writing or doing much of anything that takes brain cells. So I'm sorry. And I thought I might suggest that since that's the case, you could always sign up for a reality show like Bachelor Pad...except something trashy for married people. It wouldn't take much brain power at all to pass your time that way...
I'm feeling a bit depressed too and have nothing to write about so I sympathise... I just wish I could write a blog post like this when I was feeling cynical and depressed!
Dang! I forgot that was starting last night. It seems like it might be worth skipping though.
As an aside, you should know that when I sit here and work my way through Google Reader, yours is the only blog my husband actually looks up from his reading to peer over my shoulder at...and it is NOT easy to get his attention while reading. :)
You are without a doubt one of the funniest depressed persons I have ever read.This causes me to ponder your humor when you are feeling great~
I so sympathize with you, having bouts with depression myself on occasion. I do not think that show would help me though, and your line about your eyes having herpes describes an awful lot of shows on T.V.Too bad there are so many people wanting to humiliate themselves on shows like this, all for our entertainment.
I did not watch that show, but I love when you write about things like character, because not enough people talk about that these days. Thank you.
I am fortunate to have a doctor who put the differences between individuals in medical terms rather than in terms of strength vs. weakness.
Yesterday I picked up Understood Betsy from the library, just in time for vacation. I'm excited.
Feel better. XO
I know that depression can definitely cripple the desire to do anything productive ... but I appreciate your writing about it, even a little. It's comforting to know that other people share the battle.
Sorry that you're feeling low. Glad to see you post here, I was hoping you hadn't quit!
Interesting comparison of your grandmothers. It is fascinating to see how personalities deal with different situations and my head always seems to go straight to faith. That somehow having a strong faith can lead people through tough times without leaving their children wanting to run off and join the circus.
The great thing about Bachelor Pad is that, after creating an entire social circle out of my love for Bachelorette, I can actually comfort myself that I have standards. That is one show I will not watch.
I think a lot about the way that life can crush people - and how 150 years or so ago, that was the norm, not the exception. I was reading a biography about Louisa May Alcott, whose grandmother had an enormous number of children and lost MANY of them, including one sunny-tempered little boy who impaled himself on a pitchfork in the backyard. Back then, it was really just a matter of time before the tragedies piled up high enough to sap your capacity for joy.
Beck - You have just reminded me that I have to write my (non-dour, German American - we're not related, are we??) grandmother, and so I bestow upon thee the title of Helpful Blogger for today.
(I know it helps not a whit. But, y'know.)
Why is it that the most creative and interesting people seem to go through bouts of depression? That's been true in my family, at least.
Ah well, Beck. Even as you climb out of this particular hole, your writing lifts me.
Which makes me believe that you are like the second great-grandmother. The one who is and always will be missed.
=)
Aw, sweetie. Sending you love. You still managed to rock the post, though. And I don't mind heavy adjectives; they make my brain work a little harder.
It's impossible to blog when one is depressed. I have seriously cut back on my blogging as well and I grimly suspect that when I do blog, my content is lacking. I lost a follower yesterday, but since I couldn't remember WHO it was, I guess it doesn't matter, they weren't reading anyway. See? Who cares? This is what happens when you write in a funk.
I hope your eyes recover. I hope you write more, your writing is seriously the best. Seriously.
I just found your blog. JoAnn sent me here because she said you have the best blog "about me" ever. -and you do, you unique snowflake you.
I've not been posting much because of funkiness too. Maybe it's viral?
Love this post. Never knew anyone who actually ran off to the circus. I do have one grandma I want to grow up to be and one who is a cautionary tale.
Now that is a country song if I ever heard one. Seriously. You just need to put it to music.
And the Bachelor thoughts - I love that - had me laughing out loud at your description. Perfect.
I hope things start looking up soon...until then, I hope the mindless television does the trick. ;)
"And that haunts me, the idea that similar experiences can end in such different people, the idea that the world breaks some people and not others."
Good point. Scary.
You would be seriously missed if you totally quit blogging because no one I know o puts things out there quite so well.
I figure by the time I watch Survivor, Amazing Race and So You Think You Can Dance: American and Canadian, not to mention all the Food Network "reality", I have totally filled my reality tv watching quota for years to come.
Hope your feeling better and happier soon.
You know what might help you feel better? Some Oprah™ approved self-help books. Or some Oprah™ approved alcohol. Or not.
For someone who is depressed you are very good at being funny.
For some reason I was reminded of your very own words some posts ago:
"...for the most part, I think that inner peace is the providence of people prone to that sort of thing. My inner self is jittery and chatty and even if I traveled all the way to India, I would still be hauling my jittery, chatty self with me."
I guess it was the part about how the world breaks some people but not others. I remember that little phrase there because it rung deeply true with me, bringing with it some sort of "settling" effect. I would love to be the kind of person who can suffer cheerfully and bring joy to those around her, in whatever circumstances. Unfortunately, any small amount of unexpected stress sends me over the edge into crass irritability easily.
There is something about accepting the truth about your given personality, however, that somehow frees you from the NEED to do that, and I can't explain it. Knowing we are prone to depression somehow alleviates the expectation of continued happiness. When the expectation is gone, there isn't such a frustrated sense of unnecessary, confused LOSS when the blues hit. That is when you say, like you did in this post, if I'm "not quite happy at the moment, I know that I am working my way back there."
I hope your sunny days return soon and replace the blue ones. In the meantime, enjoy the silence and the gazebo. :)
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