When I started this blog - nearly four years ago, impossibly enough - it was because I had no way of saying in my real life how I felt about my own MUCH TOO CLOSE brush with death that March and your then-undiagnosed and harrowing health problems. I had been certain, going into my third pregnancy, that my third child would be a total cakewalk. I knew what I was doing, I had successfully breastfed my second child for nearly two years, I had made it through post-partum depression with my first child and I couldn't think of many things that would slow me down with you.
Oh, HA! I think, somewhat bitterly. I am such a dope. My heart was broken by this, by my sweet, grumpy baby having such a hard time.
My heart was broken when you had to go for extensive testing when you were only 14 months old.
My heart was broken when you had to go on a restrictive diet for the rest of your life.
My heart was broken - again - when you collapsed in front of me this fall.
My metaphorical heart, of course, by which I mean that I was distressed and terrified and worried and sorry.
It turns out that your own heart might have quietly been broken all this time, too. Your actual, literal heart.
I don't want to write about all of the testing you have coming up yet again. I am nearly wordless with dread.
Instead: you will be, impossibly enough, five years old in two days. Five years old! And I want only sweet things for you, my baby, my little girl, my joy.
65 comments:
And with that, my metaphorical heart breaks. She's such a cutie!
I just cannot even imagine what it's like for you and your family, and I'm so sorry that that's part of your everyday reality. It stinks, it's not fair. Wishing your little muffin and all of you all the very best! XOXOXO
Aww, Beck. I'm really really sorry. Praying for your tenacious spunky little fighter-of-a-girl! She'll handle this fight with grace and kick it in the bu** just like she always does. Hang in there mom! Praying for you too!
This makes me cry.
I'll be praying for you and for her, that everything would be A Ok, and there would be no mysteries. I hate mysteries.
My second has mysterious low muscle tone. I don't write about it. But I felt like everything would be easy with him since I survived the first baby, so I relate with that sentiment. Thank you for sharing this. You are very brave.
Oh, crap. Here's hoping all turns out well, and soon.
Sending love and prayers your way. <3
What a bittersweet post! Praying for the baby and you and all of your sweet hearts!
I'll be celebrating with you as The Baby turns five! Happy Birthday to your bundle of spunkiness and sweetness. Praying for her too as she gets these tests done. (Praying for you, too).
Oh man, that's rough. Our thoughts and prayers are with you guys. She's got gumption, that one, so I bet she'll show those testing doctors a thing or two.
And Happy Birthday too! Five! She and C are close in age.
Oh no Beck.
So sorry. Trusting all goes well.
I am sorry to hear of the Baby's MORE struggles. I'll be praying for her testing, and diagnosis, and your family as well.
And happy birthday sweet Baby. Your eyes are so beautiful.
I can't begin to imagine what you have all been through, and you've managed to express it all so well. Happy early birthday to your darling girl!
She's in my prayers, Beck...and you, too.
=)
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I hold your metaphorical heart in mine, as a mother and the parent of a now quite healthy young adult son who was once a wee boy with a literally broken heart. You're in my deepest thoughts for strength and healing.
I can't even pretend to have clever words to match the sorrow and joy mixed in this post - just heartfelt prayers for you, and your strong brave warrior Baby.
((hugs))), tearfully.
Praying for the baby (though 5 really is no longer a baby is it :( ) praying for you as well... be strong, as you always are... and wish her a blessed healthy and happy 5th birthday from us...
Happy Birthday, Sweet beautiful Girl!
I hold you and the baby in my heart, B.
Wishing the Baby and you strength and happiness.
Oh Beck. I'm so sorry your sweet little one is suffering. What can a mother's heart do but suffer in kind?
I love the pictures. She is as adorable, as sweet, as herself as you describe her.
Sending a hug to you, Beck and the Baby of course.
She is a fighter truly and you as well!
So sorry The Baby needs additional testing. She's one strong little girl!
Happy early birthday to her.
Five years old and all that behind her... what a tough wee girl. Prayers for the tests.
Happy Fifth Birthday to your Baby! You and your family are in my prayers. I hope you get good results from those tests!
Oh, Beck, how frightening. I'll be praying for her and for you, and hoping for cakewalks in the near future.
She is such a beautiful, beautiful Baby. Happy 5th!
This post toughed me. Not sure if you ever read my posts about he birth of my son who eventually had heart surgery, but needless to say I understand your worry and my heart goes out to you. I pray that everything will turn out as well for you as it has for my family. And if you are interested in reading that story let me know and I'll email you a link or a copy.
Travis @ travis erwin . com
No, no, no. I want her to be healthy for you, so badly. I hope everything goes well and I'm sending positive thoughts and strength to deal your way.
Happy birthday to her, happy birthday.
Oh, I am so sorry. I imagine there are no words. My prayers are with the baby and you and the rest of your family. I hope her 5th (WOW!) birthday is fabulous and brings much luck and good fortune and HEALTH. :)
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
B/c if there is someone who deserves an easier path it's The Baby. And her momma.
I feel your pain... and will be praying for your daughter and you, your family. I wish you all a happy birthday celebration. And hope clarity will come soon. With clarity comes peace and understanding what to do next and how to overcome difficulties.
Reading this made me angry at the end. Because you guys have. Been. Through. Enough.
But being angry isn't helpful, so I will try to feel another way. She will be okay. She has to...she is The Baby, and she doesn't put up with nonsense. I am sending as much hope as I can your way.
And five...wow. My baby turned five last year, so I know what you're feeling. <3
One more prayer for you and your family and your sweet Baby from my neck of the woods.
Oh Beck. Praying for the Baby and for you and Mr. Beck. Hugs to you.
I cannot believe it has been five years already. She's a spunky one, that one! Happy birthday, beautiful girl.
Aw Beck, it is so hard to read this. I think I have been reading this blog for almost as long as you have been writing it, and I know (at least partly) all that you have gone through.
I truly hope your beautiful little girl breezes through these new problems with that take-charge attitude of hers you relate in your posts. I'll be praying for you all.
Beck, I am so sorry to hear this. The Baby always makes me smile with her cute, spunky self. I'll be praying for her heart... and your momma's heart as well.
Oh baby girl....you've shown so much spunk so far....keep on kicking life's ass for a while longer, your family is looking for a happily ever after on this one!
Happy Birthday wee one...and sorry for the heartache Beck, we're here, you know that, we're always here.
Oh Beck. I feel like my metaphorical heart's breaking too. I'm really sorry. Praying for all of you.
That is tough, tough, tough. Hope it's a quick & easy nothing to fix. Hope it's a wonderful birthday, too.
I'm so sorry you and the Baby are facing this. I will keep you both in my prayers.
prayers for you, your baby, and your whole family.
i hold you in MY heart
Oh Beck. What crappy news on the eve of such a momentous birthday. 5 is a big one. Hugs to you and to her! Prayers the tests come back good.
You know that The Baby is going to have one of those lives where she undertakes the most daring, crabby, heart-stopping things, right? You know that, right? And she will outlive us all, rolling her eyes and telling us that tripping over her toys is good for our character. She will.
Wish I could come hug your neck. Praying for y'all...
So many thoughts!
Happy Birthday for the baby! She's so beautiful.
Good luck and good wishes for all the trials ahead...
What a happy miracle she is
Praying so hard for you guys right now. What a terrible and stressful time this must be. I hope her fifth birthday is a blast of fun.
<a href="http://www.alotofloves.com>A Lot of Loves</a>
Oh, no.
I well understand the dread: Max was just at the cardiologist 3 weeks ago for yet another check-up. I was a wreck for days before; thank God we got good news.
I am hoping for you that you get good news as well...
aww, beck. happy almost birthday to your grumpy girl.
(and will be thinking of her.)
Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!!
OH my, that is hard. All I can do for you is pray, and I will, and I am.
AS to that other thing you mentioned elsewhere about a clueless, crass comment - Know that for every one of those, there are 52 of us, though perhaps thousands of miles away,who really do care about you and your family.
(((hugs)))... and a long-distance phone call if you need it. Just tell me when and I'll call.
Beck, I'm sorry. I have a taste of your feelings because of my Asher's medical...stuff, and I know the aching of a mother's heart. I just want to fix him, you know?
I'm just so sorry. I wish there were words for fixing here too.
Peace,
Heather
She's very beautiful. Wishing the best for her and you...
oh Beck! I'm so sorry that you all are dealing with another medical issue. Praying, praying, praying that everything is ok.
I've had this open on my desktop for a while b/c I wanted to read this when I had a moment of peace.
I'm so sorry about all the tests you have coming up and I so hope all is ok with your Baby! She does sound like a little fighter and I know we'll all be sending you our best wishes and prayers. Hugs to you mama. This can't be easy.
It is so hard when there is nothing we, as parents, can do.
Prayers for your 5 year old and for you.
I couldn't even comment here when I read this on Monday. Hard post indeed. The what if's of an upcoming test can just rip you apart as a parent. I know that we don't really *know* each other, but I just have this feeling. Everything's going to be just fine. And the peace that will give you will be such a relief. The fear you went through will make it all the more sweeter. Little tests of faith, they are everywhere.
This was such a beatiful post for your little birthday girl. Someday she will read this and it will make her cry. Her mama loves her so.
I'm so sorry Beck. So, so sorry. I hope everything comes back with the best possible results.
A big fat BOO for more tests.
BUT, a birthday - YIPPEE!
I don't know the details, Beck, but I can imagine how my own heart would be breaking... You have all of my best wishes and hopes that things are ok.
Oh, Beck! So glad I dropped in to make sure I can be another part of the universe praying and hoping for you all. Happy happy happy birthday to Baby. And many, many, many, many, many more.
I understand so much of this.
These girls of ours, FIVE! Unbelievable, isn't it?
I've been hiding out away from the internet and I'm just now catching up on my Reader. I'm sorry you're dealing with this - poor little lambie. Praying for you Beck.
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