I Watch Them So You Don't Have To

Tweenager shows, that is. They're pretty divisive, especially if you have younger kids and it's easy to see Hannah Montana's toothy smiling face as a big smug symbol of all of the Things Wrong With This Society And Coming For Your Kid. And some of the shows - well, MOST of the shows - are weak and poorly written and ham-acted and kind of nauseating.

Here's the thing, though: ten year olds, eleven year olds? They want to watch different shows than their younger brothers and sisters. They do. It was horrible to realize that my child had OUTGROWN Little Bear and Franklin and all the rest of the shows that I love unreservedly. And our options as parents are not that great: do we let them watch things like SpongeBob Squarepants - which I find INCREDIBLY offensive and disgusting - or to have them just start watching shows aimed at teenagers or adults?

We had banned tweeny shows for AGES and then all at once, I realized that I was making parenting all about ME and MY tastes and that it really wasn't, and that in not letting our kid at least check the shows out, we were segregating her rather unfairly from the other girls in her class. So now we've found a handful of shows that the Girl likes and that don't make us curl up, whimpering. In order from my favorite to my absolute not favorite: WELCOME TO MY NIGHTMARE:

1) iCarly
Our favorite! The household champion!

This genuinely funny show is one of the few NOT churned out by Disney and the accompanying level of commercialism is much lower (a quick search on the Canadian toysRus site only showed a backpack). It's made by Nickolodeon and thus has a lot of gross-out type humour and skips Disney's sappy paper-thin "morality".

Carly lives with her much older artist brother SpenCer in a wacky Seattle apartment - like Max and Ruby, their parents are absent - and makes a popular webshow each week along with her friends Freddy and Sam. Carly is a good kid, and her friend Freddy is the victim of his hilariously hovering, over-protective mother, and her friend Sam is possibly the most hilariously transgressive female teenager I've ever seen on tv. She carries pork chops in her pockets for future snacking needs! She is somewhat violent, bad-tempered, in CONSTANT trouble at school, mooches off her friends, is lazy and is a loyal, honest friend to Carly.

Every adult on the show - except for SpenCer and the school principal - is either demented or malevolent or insane or just sort of disgusting. The kids are sassy and disrespectful but are also good-hearted, loyal and don't mean any harm and their dumb hijinks ALWAYS gets them into trouble. ALWAYS. The show rarely goes for sappy, manipulative endings - like Carly's webshow, it just wants to make you laugh. (also? SpenCer is an attractive fellow.)

Nowheymama: My biggest iCarly parental point so far: "Everyone on this show says, 'Oh my god,' but that is not something we say, IS IT?"

Marmite Breath: I've been feeling really guilty for months since I have a raging crush on Spencer. (don't feel guilty! All the ladies love Spencer!)

Barefoot Mommy: I'm not a huge fan of icarly because of the "screaming girl syndrome." That's really the only complaint I have though. As soon as it comes on my daughter is screaming, "AAAAAHHHHIIIIIEEEEE!" Other than that I have to agree that Spencer is not only cute, but hilarious and we do watch that show here. (see? All the ladies love Spencer.)

Janet: We love iCarly. Spenser is my pretend boyfriend so don't even TRY to pretend that he's yours. Just don't. (Janet, Spencer said to tell you that HE ONLY LOVES ME.)

2) The Wizards Of Waverly Place
This is a Disney show, but is for all that clever and charming and sometimes even funny. Three siblings help out at their parents' New York City sub shop, squabble with each other and their parents and use their magical powers to generally get into trouble. It's okay. I do not LOVE it, there are no attractive adult men on the show, but it's all right, and the magical element of the show is appropriately magical and amusing. The movie that accompanied the series was surprisingly good. (There are no attractive men in this show. Not one.)

LoriD: I love The Wizards of Waverly Place. The main character is hilarious (and beautiful) - watch for her to be a major talent.

3) Hannah Montana
It's a much more innocent show than you might think but it's still not any good. The acting is hammy, the plots are dumb, it's rarely funny at all, all of the young male actors are doofy-looking (WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?), Miley spends much of the show chasing boys around and yet I get the appeal - if I was 9, this would be the BEST SHOW EVER. Boy-chasing regular girl by day, ROCK STAR BY NIGHT.
As an adult though? IT IS JUST AWFUL.
(Billy Ray Cyrus, however, is awfully good looking, and his dad character is appealing, devoted and kind-hearted.)

Barefoot Mommy: I can't stand Hannah Montanna because she has a lisp. Maybe that's mean... but I don't understand how she became a famous performer... with a lisp.

4) True Jackson VIP
I don't know any kid who watches this. It looks fairly average, from the brief clips I've seen.

5) Sonny With A Chance
We haven't watched this one, either. It might be okay, but it is from Disney, so I'm assuming it's Hannah Part 2.

A Trailer Park Mom: Sonny With A Chance is nothing like Hannah Montana. It's corny, but funny. At least my girls think it is. And I'll admit that I laughed a time or two.

Steph at RedClayDiaries: You could try Sonny with a Chance. It is surprisingly un-Disney. Maybe because they decided to branch out and hire ACTORS.

6) Life With Derek
(I forgot this one! We've never watched it, but I know kids who like it.)
LoriD: We also enjoy Life With Derek (a Canadian show). It's a little corny, but mostly full of family values and harmless hijinx.

7) Drake And Josh
(another one I forgot. Apparently, we do not watch as much tv as I thought.)
katdish: You really should check out some old episodes of Drake and Josh. The actress that plays Carly was their little sister, and Spencer was a character named "Crazy Steve".I heart that show...

8) Zoey 101
(Another one I forgot! This one started Britney Spear's little sister who - whoops! - got knocked up and then the show was cancelled.)
LoriD: I HATE Zoey 101 and it's not allowed in our house. The subject matter is just too old/serious for my tween.

9) The Suite Life On Deck
A spinoff from The Suite Life of Zac and Cody and the worst show ever made.

See, there are these twin boys and they go to school on a cruise ship, which probably sounds glamorous to SOMEONE. There are a few other characters, including London Tipton, world's richest girl and Paris Hilton clone except she isn't rampantly promiscuous. She is, however, a moron. But that's okay! So is everyone else on the show - man, woman, child - all idiots. And never ever funny.

Also, there is something WRONG with the boys who play Zac and Cody - one in particular has deep purple circles under his eyes and little stick arms and a narrow caved-in chest. Stop making that sick kid ACT (however badly) AND TAKE HIM TO THE DOCTOR.
(There are absolutely no attractive men on this show. Does it sound like there would be?)

Jeni: I did (unfortunately) see an episode of Suite Life on Deck about a month ago. It was painful. Nauseating. Excruciating. Terrible. And just...bad.

Steph/RedClayDiaries: Suite Life is my least favorite show in the history of television. All television. Ever.

Any thoughts on the shows (especially the ones I haven't watched or mentioned)? Let me know.