"Darling," he said, the sunlight causing him to sparkle like a big shiny pair of gold lame leggings from Ardenes. He was as handsome as a Calvin Klein underpant billboard but totally hot and also in full colour and ALSO a vampire.
As always, she was thrilled to see him. And she was also wearing a white eyelet sundress, black high-tops, some colourful rubber bracelets, knee-length argyle socks, fingerless motorcycle gloves and a denim jacket that she'd carefully bedazzled to say "My Boyfriend Is A Hot Vampire." All that bedazzling had made her fingers bleed, but that was cool - he liked blood.
"Yeah," said some snarky inner voice, "Way more than he likes making out."
"SHUT UP!" she had told her inner voice. "Waiting is sexy. And cool. Those people who say that attractive male vampires are a metaphor for sexually unavailable gay men don't know what they're talking about!"
He was walking towards her now, striding like some He-God, coming to claim her, a plain mortal. His black cape flapped in the wind. His purple skin was luminous in the sunlight. His unibrow was like some holy caterpillar of manliness.
"One!" he cried. "ONE sexy girlfriend! MWAH HA HA!"
Thunder crackled. They embraced. Chastely.
30 comments:
And you are ONE fabulous writer with TEN great stories under her belt.
I think I just died laughing.
you are really quite brilliant, amiga.
Humor & brilliance rolled into one perfect package.
Hilarious! And I've never even picked up the original - that is how difficult it is to avoid Twilight! I get all of the references despite going out of my way to not understand them! But this made it worth it. Especially the inner voice :)
LOVE this one. So, so funny. I'm off to read your 5 minutes post.
I'm CRYING!!!!
2 flaming thiiiiggghhhs!
(I am not attracted to vampires...my strange monster attraction is to Billy Zane's mummy. Dang. I like bald men with eyeliner?)
His unibrow was like some holy caterpillar of manliness.
As someone whose husband has a unibrow, I can only say:
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
BLOODY BRILLIANT! HA! HA! HA!
I am gasping for air. I did not see that ending coming. SO SO SO FUNNY.
What's the best way to type a snickering, giggly laugh. Cuz that's what I am doing.
This is quite simply - awesome. You are fantastic!
I definitely prefer that to the original.
HAHAHAHAHA....
Oh my gosh. You slay me.
You've almost converted me to Halloween with these...
=)
You're too much. I believe I've commented this already! Love!
Steph
SNORT. That was GREAT. I haven't even read the Twilight series, but if her writing is anything like your parody, I think I'm GLAD.
"All that bedazzling had made her fingers bleed, but that was cool - he liked blood."
HEEHEE
You're killing me! Flippin' funny and brilliant. You got me with the ending!
I admit that I love me some Twilight. But at least I have a sense of humor about it (and my apparent attraction to junior high chick lit). Stinking hilarious. I will be sad when Halloween is gone.
Baw Haw haw haw!!!
Too (or is it TWO Bwahahaha) funny!
This is my Absolute favorite. You are really good at this. Now that would really scare me!
Hahaha! You are sassy! (says the Twilight fan) ;)
Love it! And ewwwwww.
So so true, almost like anothe sequal...and funny...
SNORT!
Bwahahahaha! Awesome. I am currently slogging my way through the original version of this for my daughter's sake. It is just soooo drippy! I'm going crazy. I like your version so much better! I wonder if I can persuade her ;)
i did not see the count coming. that was funny.
Hilarious.
I didn't know the count sparkled, too. Cool vampires don't, you know.
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