My cousin has been visiting from way down in Southern Ontario all this week, and he said something which struck me as very, very funny.
"You forget how bad mosquitoes are when you're living down South," he said, slapping himself furiously.
And it's not just mosquitoes. The Baby got bitten by some sort of horrid bug last night in the yard, and the mark - in between her shoulder blades - immediately welled up into a raised white welt.
So bugs are Number One of my Things I Hate About Summer List.
Number Two is whiny kids.
I LIKE my kids. If this blog is about nothing else - and it's pretty much not - it is about how much I like my kids and motherhood and the whole shebang. But summer is a bit of a strain. My kids whine and fight and complain and I rapidly lose my mind. And YES, some mothers can implement strict discipline and schedules and their kids smarten right up, but I'm more of a Finger Painting On The Porch Mom and a bit lax on the whole "discipline" thing. Result? Mama's drinkin'.
Number 3 is the looming expectancy that I spend so much freaking time OUTSIDE.
The nice thing about winter is that NO ONE EXPECTS YOU TO GO OUTSIDE WHEN IT IS -40. NO ONE. But come summer, if you're not outside getting sun stroke at EVERY MOMENT OF THE DAY, there is this vast societal disapproval.
I hate going outside, with a few exceptions. I like sitting in a lawn chair on a mild day and reading a magazine. I like wandering around the yard at dusk, drink in hand, admiring the Grecian ruins and the shrubbery. But there is this expectation during the summer that YOU WILL GO TO THE BEACH AND YOU WILL LIKE IT. And my goodness, but I am not a beach person. I get headaches in bright sunlight and I shy away, hissing and scuttling, from sports. I am not, to sum up, outdoorsy.
We have decided, culturally, that being outdoorsy is indicative of Great Moral Strength - and I don't know WHO decided that, but it was likely the same people who decided that the fiber in your diet was the exact equivalent of your moral fiber. But I like reading and... sitting... and I resent a bunch of highly toned, tanned, birdseed-eating jocks taking the moral high ground on how much, exactly, I am making out of any particular day.
Number 4? People wearing skimpy outfits.
NOBODY looks good in skimpy outfits, unless they're an 18 year old gymnast and THEY ARE PROBABLY NOT. Yesterday I went to the grocery store and there I saw:
- A woman of roughly 48, who weighed roughly 248 pounds, wearing a bikini top and a sarong. Her lower back tattoo, fyi, said "Spank This." No thank you. My hands are too busy shielding my EYES.
- Another woman - this one close to 70 - wearing navy short-shorts. They might have looked swell back in the 1970s, but by now, her falling butt cheeks were hanging sadly beneath the hems, like two tragically deflated white grapefruits.
- A man this time, in his pot-bellied mid-life, wearing shorts - the SHORT kind - black socks to his knees, work boots and... nothing else.
Yes, it IS hot out. It certainly is. Let us not make anything worse by scalding my poor, poor eyes.
What do YOU hate about summer? Or are you unequivocally a fan? Let me know.
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60 comments:
Can I please sit on the porch on a mild day with you? Mild days are my favorite! In fact, I just wrote about that on my latest post. (Well, it is PART of the post.)
I try to keep my body as covered up as possible, thank you. I seriously doubt people want to get a look at my gelatinous, white, I-could-go-on-but-why-gross-people-out body.
And I only REALLY like the beach when I can wear jeans and a sweatshirt but have decided that enduring Marley w/o the beach is worse than enduring the beach w/Marley. Does that make sense?
To your sanity and unseared eyeballs!
I'm with you on the beach headache, and bugs, and sports.
But I love hiking, I even don't mind on really hot days given enough water, appropriate clothing, and rewarding enough scenery. But I like it best on slightly chilly overcast days that smell of rain. Which proves forever that California is not my home and native land. :)
I have a chore list inside a cupboard BTW. Bored and fighting kids get something else to occupy their time. :) My kids don't fight very much so I'm guessing that it works.
I am so with you on #3. Sitting in a lawn chair and reading? Right up my alley. Performing any activity that will involve me getting covered in sweat, sunburned, and possibly include me passing out from heat exhaustion? Not so much. There's a reason I did figure skating as a kid--ice rinks are COLD!
And I think you would be hard-pressed to find anyone to disagree with you on #4. Although the plethora of people who dress so hideously might contradict me there.
Oh, I really really really loathe summer. LOATHE IT. It's mainly the weather that does it for me, and summer is an emotionally/mentally difficult time as I slowly fall into summer doldrums. It's a hard time of year for me to stay cheerful and content. I was happy when we lived in New England and the summers were short and not so hot; now that we are back in Texas, summer is a depressing, lengthy affair that stretches out before me until October.
I am the same way. I am indoorsy, to say the least. And the only way I can get through the summer without TOO much fighting between my kids is to take them swimming. And they are still the age where I have to be in the water with them. DO NOT LIKE.
this is my de-lurking day. . .
i hate mosquitoes and the fact that i now (for medical reasons) cannot drink any of may favorite summer drinks--gin and tonics, chilled white wine, and beer.
now it is just stupid lemonade and iced tea.
*sigh*
I actually love each season when it acts appropriately - which summer is just not doing this year in my neck of the woods. That being said, #3 cracked me up despite the fact that I am the complete opposite of you. I love being outside more than anything but the "hissing and scuttling" line really got to me. My boss is like that and when I told her I was vacationing in Iceland a couple of years ago she blurted out something to the effect of "why?" or "on purpose" because she thought my grand time sounded like torture.
I hate the bugs and the over-exposed people. I do love hanging out outside. I think it's because I feel less compelled to be cleaning/fixing/doing something when I'm out there. I also like the beach, as long as it's a good beach where the water is shallow and there aren't any day camp kids taking over the place.
My love of summer comes and goes. I love the eight week break from work. Mild weather makes me happy. Planning activities and planning to be a better wife/mom/housekeeper always keeps me busy (actually doing so, not so much).
We've had cool weather for weeks and now - the week I will be outdoors for 2 1/2 hrs per night to help with VBS games each night - there's a heat advisory and 100+ degree heat index.
Sigh.
I can relate to this post. Really. The thought of the season and all that comes with it is much jollier than the reality. A screened porch and a glass of wine would be lovely with some mild weather. But I've got none of those things. :(
The children's expectation that every hot day is a swimming day because it is NOT. I dislike the dirty craziness of the public pool, and I dislike setting up the kiddie pools and accessories all by myself on a weekday. That is a weekend job for Daddy.
My neighbors and I talk about how our mothers are always asking us, "Did the kids get outside today? Did you take them outside?" But they never took US outside; they just kicked us out into the backyard. Alone. So lay off, Grandmas!
My childhood/teenage years were the years I actually LIKED being outside. I went Girl Scout camping EVERY summer. But now that I'm an adult, and I find myself more inclined to sitting in the cool house READING and casually watching my kids dump sand in each other's hair and eyes instead of out playing in the stinking heat with them (which almost ALWAYS results in my having a dizzy/dehydrated spell or two), I realize it wasn't the "outside" I probably liked when I was a kid. It was the chance to GET AWAY FROM MY PARENTS for a couple of weeks every summer. Sad, but true. Gosh, I hope I don't scare my kids off in their future summers. :-(
And yes, scary, scary fashions do come out in the summer, no? EEK!
I'm a sensory gal. I hate the feel of sand on my toes, sweat on my skin and bugs buzzing round my head. I pretty much loathe everything about summer. I, like Christine, am also unable (for medical reasons) to partake in those blessed drinks which bring relief - gin and tonics, wine and strawberry daiquiris. Sigh.
What do I hate about summer? The HEAT. The HUMIDITY. The MOSQUITOES. And then I dislike the way the activity levels ramp up with gardening and canning and trying to make sure to do all the summery things like cookouts and campouts and picnics and trips to the river-- all the while being so hot and miserable that what I really feel like doing is sitting inside in the air conditioning with a book. Me? I'd rather it be Fall most of the year with a little winter thrown in.
I can't imagine what you Canadians consider a mild day. Any day the temp is above freezing, mayhaps?
I do think that, unless you can kick your kids outside on their own (as I can), summer would be unbearable.
That tattoo is horrible!
I have a love hate relationship with bugs. As in I hate bug bites,but I love how bugs are my justification for hanging out in the basement refinishing an old plant stand. On that note: better check on the kids -- haven't seen them in a while.
Haha, Mama's drinkin' over here too! But, that's kind of the way it goes, summer or not. My husband looks at the proliferation of empty wine bottles in the garage, and probably sighs deeply. BUT WHO CARES.
It's funny, you read my mind - my next post is about men in my neighbourhood who mow lawns shirtless. It is a travesty! Also, my sister-in-law, who is 47, deeply tanned (think: apple doll) and awfully out of shape dresses in Daisy Duke-style cut-offs and crop tops or bikinis. IT IS NOT GOOD.
Oh I am so with you on the outdoorsy-ness. Thankfully, Frannie is with me. Her little friends come over and beg to go outside, and Frannie just flatly declines. I giggle secretly. We go read together in a corner and feel superior.
Here's something I hate about summer: all the pressure to spend time on wheels - bicycle, roller blade, whatever. I am so much better on firm footing.
Have I mentioned that you're hilarious?
I LOVE summer.
Sorry. We moved from Vancouver to Texas for two years and we were the freaky (and pasty) Canadians outside in the 100 heat. And loving it.
And now I live in Alberta and we get 4.5 days of real summer so I relish whatever I can get. We were in coats and long pants today. Grrrrr.
But I hear you on the whole skimpy outfits. Blech.
Any time you feel the need to rant about summer please do so, as I have had a grumpy day and this post made me laugh and laugh.
The Grecian ruins? Really?
I love summer. After complaining about the 7 months of cold, I don't let myself complain when the mercury nears 100. We go to a splash park or turn on the air conditioning and watch a movie. I miss the lakes of northern MN, but the Twin Cities has its own beauty, its own fun. And for whatever reason, in our neighborhood, mosquitoes don't exist. I LOOOOOOVE that part. When I was young, mosquitoes were my least favorite part of summer. Still are, but I don't really have to count them here.
I'm going to counter with things I love about summer:
1. Reading fiction
2. Grilling out
3. Not having to wear 17 layers of clothing to step out the door
4. Not having to warm up the car
5. Fresh fruit and veggies
So put that in your pipe and smoke it! (If you could see me laughing as I typed that last line, you would know how much I think you're awesome and I'm just giving you crap, even though I DO love summer.)
p.s. I am laughing my way through the to-remain-unnamed European travel book right now. I hesitate to recommend it to others, though, because BB? My, he's a pervert!
Have you read any of his other stuff?
Ah, Beck. Don't you know we northerners are obligated to love summer? It's right up there with "spend all good-weather time outdoors." My husband is a big fan of the concept. Huh. Outdoors living doesn't clean my house, or cook meals, or get emails written. Plus, the sun on novel pages reflects back and blinds my winter-dimmed eyes.
I love to be outside because if I'm outside, who cares if the inside is clean and tidy?
I love summer because although the total # of clothes to be washed is the same, the volume is halved. Or even three-quartered.
I love summer because my husband BBQs, so I don't have to cook, which is nice, and also NO POTS TO WASH!
I love summer because when my husband comes home at 6:30, we still have 3 hrs of daylight left. We can go for walks or whatever.
Disclaimer: Mosquitoes & no-see-ums don't live in the desert. And the humidity is, like, zero. I think that makes a big difference. I don't remember being so ecstatic over summer when I lived in Pennsylvania.
Nope, those are my reasons too :) Although I do love swimming at the beach if the swimming is good. After that, however, is all the kerfuffle of getting sand stuck ALL OVER YOU and being ages from home.
I'm trying to think of something I hate about summer and coming up with nothing. I love, love, love summer. I love being outside, but only in the morning, and only in the evening, and only if I'm dripping with insect repellent and sunscreen.
And I'd live in a one room shack on the beach for the rest of my life if I could.
But that's just me. :-)
The woman with the tattoo sounds pretty tacky. The man with the shorts and the black knee socks sounds cute. LOL
men walking around shirtless.. I don't care how buff you are.. it's just not on for me. and sand. GAH I hate sand. Stupid parks.
Every day I say, "I hate summer!"
I'm not outdoorsy and I hate the heat. It is way too hot here.
Mosquitoes. I curse them. They are after my children and their delicious skin and leave ugly, ugly marks behind that swell up red and hot and awful.
I don't like the heat. But my weather has been too cold and rainy which I don't like either.
I live for the Fall. And that is why I put up with Summer.
I am laughing so hard at your descriptions of people in public and what they wear. For goodness sake .. is there no human decency left in our world? I do see some sights. I mean, here in Florida, people will wear what they THINK is okay at the beach, to the grocery store. And for me, it doesn't even look good at the beach. Ugh.
FYI I don't own a swim suit. Because I don't have to. Thankyouverymuch.
What Julia said. It is SO HOT here (100 F every day) and the thought of keeping everyone happily entertained (or at least myself!) for days on end without the outdoors or scheduled activities is ... well, ruff. Energy is sapped. Desperation is high while motivation is low.
SO with you on the clothing issue as well.
"I resent a bunch of highly toned, tanned, birdseed-eating jocks taking the moral high ground on how much, exactly, I am making out of any particular day."
I really need to print that out and put it on my fridge.
Well, I love summer, I do--but not ALL of it. I loved it better when we went to Greece each summer when I was a child, but I still like it now. Things I don't like: HUMIDITY and MOSQUITOES and I'm with you, scary bugs.
That was SOOOO funny. One of my favorite quotes came from a book of quotes given to me once upon a time. This one was said by someone named "LP Smith.":
"Thank heavens the sun has gone in, and I don't have to go out and enjoy it."
Ha ha! I have that one dog-eared.
Yes, we have a pool. I like pools. But if it's sunny it's a lot of PRESSURE.
And mosquitoes? Surely they cannot be worse up there than they are here, where we apparently live near swamps. UGH. My husband keeps getting welts on his back, too...
AT THE POOL. :)
#1 is bugs for me too. Yuck.
when you live in the deep south, not only are the mosquitoes hell, but it is 98 degrees and HUMID. No one expects you to spend much time outside. ;)
I am a fan, except when we can't afford the a/c. LIke today. And then? I am a beeeeeeyatch.
my case against summer:
1. sweat.
2. overexposure to my children whom I actually love very much, but I quickly tire of the bickering that only comes from being in the same radius for too long in extreme temperatures.
3. the park. oh, how I hate 'the park'
4. the beach. the beach is a big pile of sand with too naked people and salt and a giant ocean that wants to pull my children into davy jonses' locker. Also, it's hot. and you have to eat picnic food. also yukky.
5. I am sure I have a #5 but I'm still laughing at 'spank this'
hahahahhaa.
I loved this whole funny, funnypost, especially your reason #3.
I actually love the concept of summer, but have been noticing that I never do go outside. I just like knowing that I CAN go outside without having to make sure all the kids have coats on. Even a blue sky rather than a gray one as I walk from my car into a building lifts my spirits. And I do love having my kids full-time, even if it's a rough adjustment at first.
Oh. My. friggen. Sides. Hurt from laughing so much.
I thought I was the only one that felt this way. I LOVE summer - I like to be warm, I like to drink beer on my porch once the kids are asleep, and I like to weed my garden at 8pm.
But that's about it. I hate bugs, I don't like swimming (or wearing a bathing suit), I hate the beach unless the only thing I'm required to do on it is sit and read a book, and I am always concerned about my children's sun exposure. Well, one child, anyway. One is dark like me, but one is so pale she is nearly see-through.
And yes, the shaming I endure when I am playing inside with the kids on a sunny day! The horror!
This may sound strange comming from someone who loves summer as much as I do, but I hate the HOT! Actually it isn't the hot, its the oppressive humidity we get here in the Capital. It can get almost unbearable.
Oh yes and I hate having to shave ALL.THE.TIME. I rather just wear pants!
Hehehe. Oh, I just love you.
I actually love summer. It is my favorite!!!!
The one thing I do not like about summer is that the sun comes up at the a$$ crack of dawn. It starts getting light at around 4:30, which means the boys get up super early too. That REALLY pees me off!
Oh wait! There is more!
I HATE the ice cream truck. That damn truck is gonna pay, one of these days. On the rare occasion that I do get all three boys quiet for their naps the damn truck comes rolling around blasting it's stupid "Pop Goes The Weasel", and I find myself wishing I had a canon to take the thing out. Add to that the fact that the scary looking dude is wearing CLOWN MAKEUP and that really just sums up my feelings on the whole thing.
BUT... other than that. Woohoo! Summer!
;)
"her falling butt cheeks were hanging sadly beneath the hems, like two tragically deflated white grapefruits."
Oh the vision you give with your descriptive words. I think my eyeballs are burning from the inside out. LOL.
Sitting and reading? Yes, oh yes! Alas that is not my fate.
It's funny. I *think* I like going outside, but it often requires tremendous effort for me to actually GO outside. I'm with you on the dusk and drink and Grecian urns thing. BTW, I LOVE your summer playlist. Haven't finished it yet, but it started brilliantly!
Bugs, definitely. Sweating like a pig, pig, pig! Most definitely.
Hahahahahahahaha!
Moral fiber=dietary fiber
Hahahahahaha!
I laughed so many times during the reading of this post that my seven-year-old kept walking up saying, "What are you hiding?!" Don't know what that's about.
I really, really dislike the skimpy outfits. And the heat/humidity combo. And the mosquitoes (which we are feeling well south of Ontario...)
Oh my word. I had to come back and read this twice, such was the laughter. My favorite parts were the tattoo and the deflated grapefruits. Hoo boy, do you have a gift for description.
For me the heat is the worst. It just beats down until you feel like you're losing your mind. Supposed to hit 103 tomorrow...
You are awesomely funny. When you have a 5YO you learn to work the word awesome into every sentence.
I guess I didn't realize I don't care for the beach. I just thought I did. I was wrong.
I too like wandering around the yard at dusk, drink in hand, admiring the Grecian ruins and the shrubbery. Though I have no ruins. Alas.
I like the beach, but 1) we live too far away and 2) my husband doesn't, so 3) we never go.
Hee, hee, hee! You just said exactly how I feel! Exactly! I love you!
uuuuuuuuugh! Bugs and whiney kids while it's sticy hot out- HATE!
I'm with you on 2 and 4. There's very few kids other than my own that I can handle - probably because I can't tell them what to do... (not that my kids listen all the time...)
and 4 - nasty!
Totally with you on the outside thing. While everyone else is spending every day at the pool (no nearby beach here), my kids consider it a tremendous accomplishment to convince me to hang out in the back yard for more than 15 minutes. Just not a fan.
Oh my gosh, we would get along just FINE...LOL
It's nice to find someone else who isn't "oh, the sun is out, so must we be!". I thought I was the only sun-heathen;) Give me a nice cup of hot tea, a blanket and a sweater and a fireplace and I'm all about January!!!
Oh, this was just so wonderful to read - thank you! I don't know what made me laugh more, the visual of the white grapefruits or, "mama's drinkin"! Sounds like my summer down here in California...
mom huebert said it best. She speaks for me. Heat. Humidity. Ick. "Come on, people, it's SUMMER! We've got to be Outside, Running and Playing!" Do people think they're still 7, when you didn't have to clean the summer gack off of yourself and had a parent to do it? Ew.
I'm with you on most of it. I actually like the outdoors when it's nice (which it often is in CT), and LOVE sitting on my back deck or front porch reading a book while the children play like children should (like WE used to back in the day). But I DO hate bugs. And humidity.
I just read your comment on Raising Five that The Girl is going to camp this summer. My girl too. End of July. I think that it will be fun fun for her, and we will miss her, but not too horribly. It just gets me that she's growing up and is going to do this whole camp thing without me to tell her to take a shower, and brush her teeth, and be nice to people. . . .
mostly, like you, the pressure to be having FUN! FUN! And the right kind of fun. Everyone's refrains "what are you doing this weekend?" And I always have the same basic answer: hanging out with kids, getting the house back in order, cooking, etc.
We rarely have a fabulous plan and when we do something fabulous, it exhausts me - I enjoy it, but can't sustain it.
Also, do not like not having a grill. My kitchen is tiny & is getting hot in the kitchen (hey kids & husband...get out!)
Lastly, having all the kids home at one go - they all want different things, so I feel like I never get to sit down and knit, blog, read, or, you know, really anything.
The number one thing I hate about THIS summer is the lack of time to blog. At all. Here it is, Friday night, my husband is HOME, the week (which was generally pretty good) behind me and I am just thrilled he is entertaining the short people long enough so I can read a few of the 305 posts in my reader.
It's 95 degrees in the southern US all week. No one expects you to be outside unless you are in a pool.
I'm not much for sitting outside in the hot summer sun either; nor am I beach person. My kids love to be outdoors though and drive me crazy if inside for too long- so out we go. I hate the humidity and sweating and hot leather car seats that stick to my thighs, and the mosquitos too.
Heh. I was going to write a whole post about Men Who Don't Wear Shirts And Really Really Should.
I am not outdoorsy AT ALL, but I do love fresh air and being able to go outdoors pretty much whenever I want. Winter can veto that. I do get 'parked out' rather quickly. Parks are not nearly as fun when you're running after children in the blazing sun. I'd rather be drinking and reading in the shade and the breeze.
this sounds just like a post my future self will write......
we just bought a bike trailer and were researching tents (albeit to replace the one we already have) last week. and next on the list is a bike. for me. *gloom*
but it seems there are certain expectations now that we're living here and being out oorsy and 'fit' are two them. hoo.ray.
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