Yesterday was oddly hard, one of those days where you feel sad and can't put your finger on the why of it. I think I might be getting depressed, I fretted to my husband in the evening while he worked on his annual fall project, wringing my hands.
He paused, and said very, very gently that he was sorry that I was feeling sad, but that he thought I would probably feel better in a couple of days (1), and in the meantime, would I like a glass of wine?
And I did feel comforted. He is wise and a rather striking contrast to me and my family of origin, where we're always fretting and miserable and elated and in some sort of trouble. Don't worry about things that you can't do anything about would be his motto (2), and one of these days I should have it translated into Latin to fly proudly above our castle.
I had my husband up on a tremendous pedestal for ages. For years. He could not only do no wrong in my eyes but he also was the authority on everything. I quoted him constantly. I mean, I think he's a great guy now and a good dad and a rather pleasant husband and a hard worker and all sorts of good things, but just imagine if instead of having this standard-issue mommy blog, it was instead entitled MY HUSBAND: WHY YOU SHOULD REVERE HIM LIKE A GOD. It was a bit unhealthy. And a bit... oh, irritating for not only everyone who knows me but also for my husband, who doesn't want to be revered like a god.
And then he fell.
I could almost tell you the exact day that it happened - I know it was in the first couple of weeks after I had the Boy and I was moody and hormonal and my husband snapped at me. And just like that, KERBANG. That was all it took. Maybe the pillar was already kind of shaky. Maybe it was time.
I could not love someone who was a fallible human being, I decided. D-I-V-O-R-C-E, I decided.
And while I was deciding all this, he continued being the same kind, considerate person he's always been, tucking The Girl in and rocking The Boy for hours after work each night and working so hard to keep everyone fed and clothed and housed and I thought, well, maybe I'll stay for a little bit longer. It would only be fair.
That was the bad year for our marriage, but when it was through, I'd figured a lot of things out that I'd been clueless about before:
1. I had not been pulling my weight in any way in our marriage up until then. See, because my husband was perfect, he didn't need any support or encouragement or help. Because he was an emotionless blank for me to project my emotions onto, I could dump on him endlessly. That was handy.
2. Even though my husband is a remarkably fine man, I perhaps do not need to quote him every five minutes.
3. Marriage is not about one partner being idolized by the other.
4. I was not very good at that whole marriage thing.
5. Being married even to an imperfect human being still seemed better than the alternatives, which would involve me tucking my own kids in at night and not having anyone around to gently remind me when I was having PMS(3) and not a full-fledged depressive illness.
6. My husband can make robots. Where else could I find another man who can makes robots AND who would put up with my crap, which I realized after that year was fairly considerable?
7. It's very, very mean to your spouse to constantly threaten them with divorce. Either divorce 'em or get over it and stop being abusive.
8. It is a remarkable thing in this world to have another human being who loves you and who you love back and who shares your values and laughs at your jokes and comforts you when you are sad. Do not take this lightly. And if that person loads the dishwasher and tucks the kids in and brings you home bottles of wine on hard days, you would be a stone cold MORON to think about walking out.
And that is everything I know about being married.
(1) Guess why.
(2) That's his motto, not mine. I haven't figured out what mine will be yet.
(3) There's a big hint for (1) right there.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
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82 comments:
How awesome. You've pretty much summed it all up here. Truly.
By poor husband never had the benefit of being designated with god-like status.
However, somewhere around year five, I realized I was trying to make him in my image (I guess I gave myself god-like status.) and when I quit, Wow! how much better did I like him and my marriage. Go figure.
Good for you... and good for your husband... and thanks for sharing. We all could use a little marriage appreciation reminder at times.
I love this post. LOVE IT.
We have friends and during these early years in their marriage, she keeps threatening divorce for no *real* reason except her life isn't perfect.
She is pregnant with baby #2 and it breaks my heart.
I want her to know what you know about marriage.
Also, my hormones are crazy messed up right now and I feel a little depressed too. I know it will get better but it sure helps when you have a good man offer up the wine.
We are both very lucky indeed. (And so are they...)
Terrific job. We were married 18 years before we hit this. That sounds great, but boy was it hard when it hit. I think on balance we're probably healthy for it, but sometimes I long for those days when we saw the world (and each other) through those rose colored glasses.
Okay, your husband may not be perfect but he's pretty awesome. My husband has no idea about my monthly lady cycle. In fact he always remarks when I purchase another box of overpriced lady cycle sanitary products, "WHAT? AGAIN?"
My husband had already fallen in my eyes before we had our first baby, but it was then that I first experienced true loathing towards him. I gave him what is now known in our house as "the look of pure evil." Not nice. But, like your man, he rallied and told me to go visit a friend so I would feel better. When I refused, he called her up and invited me over to her house. Sheesh. But what a guy.
You sound like a lucky woman. So am I.
So does your husband design the Viagra-swilling robots who comment on your blog? :)
This is great. I think we as women ALL tend to be too hard on our husbands. It's our nature. After the Fall, our desire is for (read: to rule over) our husbands, and sometimes that rule is tyrannical, sometimes it is passive-aggressive. Only by the grace of God can we come to be the wives we should be...
Beck -- I love this post. I joke about my husband being Mr. Wonderful. This mimics so much of our married life. Thanks for writing it.
Excellent. I think our husbands share the same life philosophy.
What a wise woman you have become. I didn't figure all this out in the 28 years of my first marriage. I have finally gotten better at being married during the 7 happy years of my second marriage.
Yeah. It was a big turning point for me to realize that, hey, I'm not perfect so maybe I shouldn't expect my spouse to be perfect, either.
I think I learned very similar lessons. They are very important lessons to learn. Could we expand all you know about marriage into a book for women? And seminars.
YOU could get rich telling newly married women what they would rather not know.
Aww. I'm sorry about the PMS, and all the reasons it makes you depressed. But wine (and whining) does help.
And I think you've also learned that although marriage can sometimes be sucky, it doesn't mean that it sucks. Or just because it is sucky right now does not mean it will always be sucky.
I've had that really hard time in my marriage where I don't even really like my hubby. And then looking back on it it was pretty much me just being a spoiled brat and nothing that he did or did not do. But I have learned not to even use the D word. It just is not an option.
Great post, Beck!
You know, I've been going through all this lately-I've been a bigger bad guy, and mine hasn't been the good guy the whole time, but the lessons are the same.
Humble pie? Tastes like ASS.
Not that I'm encouraging you to bring back the pedestal or anything, but I'd love to see a post that is all quotes from Mr. Beck.
Great post.
thank you for this post. it is exactly what i needed today...what a great way to regain some perspective.
All I know about marriage: "It can't be EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME nor should it drag you down. It must never be abusive and it is up to everyone involved to fix it, when it slides over the line."
I have never idolized my husband but I love him and I respected him deeply. That is enough--more than enough, really.
I never thought mine was perfect, though time has knocked some of the shine off him. But I used to think that I could not live without him, until I realized that that was kinda unfair, and a lot of pressure to put on him. Now he knows that if he were not here, I would muddle along as best I could, crying a lot but enjoying my new closet space.
GREAT POST. I'm sending my readers (both of them) over to read it.
I never idolized my husband but I loved him like mad until -- yep -- until my first child was born. Then he turned into an ass. It took me a whole year to realize that I was part of the problem, too.
I still have trouble understanding that he needs support from me. I give so much to the kids that I don't feel I have anything left over for him. That's not really fair -- except that *I* don't expect support from him. Whenever he asks what he can do for me, I say: just take care of the kids! I can finally relax if I know someone else is taking care of the kids! It's been six years and he still doesn't get that.
great post. i think we all come to a few of those conclusions after a few years of marriage.
Great post Beck.
Oh, how much do I love this post?
a hundred much.
Great post. So true.
I think #8 might be my favorite - we've both dealt each other a lot of crap to deal with and married life is truly VERY difficult at times, but still not worth leaving.
Having that knowledge in my heart is worth infinitely more than being married to a perfect man. Because Lord knows his wife isn't!
Hope I didn't freak you out a while back with my juvenile over-exuberance! :)
wow. You always make me feel so normal. Thank you for that.
Amen to #8. AMEN. Marriage rocks.
A great post, Beck!
Beck, you rock.
My husband and I have only been married a year. I try hard to follow all the words of wisdom, but I suspect some lessons have to be learned firsthand. Hope they don't hurt too much.
My husband makes robots, too. :)
You have a lot of wisdom about being married.
I don't think I ever idolized my husband. I always really, really liked the person that he is. Even when there were new babies in the house and I directed my seething irrational hormonal crap at him, I still liked him. He is funny, he is calm, he is a rock. And this morning, even though I said, not kindly: Why are you talking to me when I just got up?! when all he did was ask the simple question of how late I worked until last night, he won't come home tonight giving me the silent treatment. He will kiss me, pour me a glass of wine, ask about my day and not even refer to me being a nasty bitch. Even though I was.
I love that man.
Lovely post. Hurray for robot-making husbands.
Amen! I am so glad I learned those lessons early and that my hubby held on until I did.
I also think it's fascinating that at 39 I still need to be reminded by my husband that this is a monthly sort of thing and it will get better in a day or two.
Like breaking in jeans. Sometimes they're really comfortable, sometimes they're up the crack of your ass. Either way, they're your jeans and you love them. Yay for jeans!
Ah pms... my friend, isn't it fun??
I'm relieved to know that I'm not the only one who needs to be reminded that what feels like the world coming to an end in a horrible bout of depression usually is PMS. It's a bit embarrassing. And I, like you, am really happy that a kind and thoughtful man stays with me even though I need to be reminded of things like that on a daily basis.
Great post. After 17 years of marriage, I can tell you that you have spoken for many married people. I don't think what separates those who make it from those who don't has as much to do with who we actually are versus the pre-conceived notions and expectations of who we'd like to be or how we'd like to see ourselves. Y'know kinda like the perfect parents who have no children. Thanks for sharing!
Yes, yes, yes. There is such wisdom here, Beck.
And I woke up so depressed this morning! Same reason as you. Could it be from spending time together in cyberspace? Maybe we'll all get on the same cycle, all the mom bloggers across the world. ;) Wouldn't THAT be fun!
Amen! I think there comes a time in a marriage when you really realize what marriage and your vows really mean and you actually commit to 'until death.' At least that is how it was for me.
Lovely, I have a friend who is going through a nasty divorce. Whos husband is (was) none of those things. And I feel sad for her.
Funny when my hubby says to me "Oh ya, you were in a bad mood cause you were PMS'ing" I usually want to stab him, not hug him... hmmmm. I think I should train him to bring me wine instead. That would be better!
aw! i like this post. the perfect blend of humor and sentimentality. :)
You are very wise Beck. And brave for your willingness to look at your own part in the marriage. I'm so glad you shared this. It's a nice reminder to appreciate who and what we have.
Perfectly said. I think #8 all the time. Glad you figured it out. :)
Marriages always have good years and bad years and I think each one of the couple has to fall in the other's eyes in order to truly realize what love is.
Wonderful post, Beck--perfect in every way,
I am glad you have your perfect match and that you didn't turn out to be a stone cold moron.
I don't think I ever had my Husband on a pedestal but he sounds very similar in character to yours. It still surprises me to this day when he gets snappy. But he doesn't bring me wine... its a mocha frapaccino. ;-)
Thanks for the great post.
It took 8 years for us, with me whining and complaining constantly which caused him to go further and further into the little cocoon life that is his computer. Then tragedy nearly struck and suddenly we had to rethink ourselves and how we treated each other and God is good and saved our marriage. We are going on 12 years now and the last few have been amazing.
Great post, Beck! I've been realizing more and more lately that having a great marriage takes enormous emotional energy and unselfishness on the part of both husband and wife and that's hard to achieve when you're raising 3 small children. Sometimes we just have to let it go and remind each other that this is an exhausting phase of life and some things we just have to wait out.
I finally stopped telling my husband that he was "perfect" because that made him crazy. So, I tell him that he is "perfect for me". And that is the truth. I can't imagine being married to the kind of guy I THOUGHT I wanted back in my 20s. Sheesh! I now have a man who comes home from a long day at the office dealing with stone cold morons and he immediately takes over with the toddler. That is one of the many things I love about him.
That, and he puts up with ME!
This was a great post!
Great topic ~ Great post.
I think about something my mom said to my sister often when her marriage was young. She would say, "Being married is hard." Simple, thorough, something I have remembered for years. That a woman who had been married for 30 years (at the time) still thought it was hard. Not every day, but enough.
I think your post is awesome, and it makes me want to go give my own hubby a smooch.
Aw, Beck. You softie, you. : )
Nice post, by the way. I liked it. A lot.
I feel so much better knowing that even you were brought to thoughts of divorce by the stress children into the marriage. I've had that same bad year and will never again threaten my sweet husband with divorce.
I wish I could write like you, in or out of PMS.
My husband and I like to remind each other that we both suck a lot of the time. That's why we're good together. (8 years today!)
Wow, I totally could have written this post myself. ocnfess, you've been peeking in on my life, now haven't you?
Great post.
Everything you know about being married Beck is quite a lot. A lot of the most important things.
Sometimes I marvel that Pastormac puts up with me. Someday, I can barely stand myself. Ugh.
Oh Beck, your honesty took my breath away! Your ups and downs in marriage reminded me of a friend of mine, always idolising her hubby and in the end, the hubby couldn't stand her complete dependence on him, he gave her up for another woman, and they got the big 'D'.
I'm glad you 'stayed' and realise the need to change in order to sustain this marriage...I'm glad...and you ARE one blessed woman!
Heh. I still remember having a conversation with someone several years ago who, when I half-jokingly commented that I clearly got the better end of the deal when marrying my husband, answered, "yes, you did."
GULP! Was it THAT OBVIOUS?!
Does your husband read your posts? This one ought to make him feel very good indeed. More wine may be forthcoming.
I must be shallow sometimes to wish for sweet nothings...such as flowers, love notes, more long kisses...maybe I should be more content sometimes and not so demanding.
Maybe I need to read one on how to not be so demanding.
Love your post.
I have a very good - far above average, I think - marriage. Yet still, it was WAY before kid #2 when The Man fell off his pedestal. I prefer it that way. I am a messy, moody, flawed person. Being married to perfection might do me in.
"It is a remarkable thing in this world to have another human being who loves you and who you love back and who shares your values and laughs at your jokes and comforts you when you are sad. Do not take this lightly."
I agree 100 percent. And I don't.
My husband fell when I was pregnant with our third. And he stayed, in pieces below his former pedestal, for a long, long time. I have had many of the same thoughts you express so eloquently.
I loved this!! It took me a divorce and a few years in a new marriage to figure this out and even now, I still think he's the kind of person I want to be when I grow up. But then, he has that whole motto your husband does, but I think life needs balance, so someone has to be the one to freak out at stuff, right? Why not let it be me? I'm good at it.
It takes so many years to make these realizations about marriage--at least it did for me. For many years I was so overly-reliant on my hubs and had such high expectations that he always seemed to be failing. Now I am much more independent (in a good way!) and our relationship is more of a partnership and things are much better. We are certainly still learning, but the road is much smoother!
I've got a keeper, too, but he can't make ROBOTS. Although, he is an IT guy, which is equally as handy I suppose.
This is so good.
I can't remember when my husband fell off of the pedestal I had him on, but after an adjustment period, life is better now. I get sad when I see so many couples giving up when reality hits or when the road gets bumpy.
ps doesn't your husband make awesome cake?! He gets four stars in my book :)
wonderful post, beck, once again.
I'm sorry, how do you know so much about our marriage? I still get tempted to put him up on that pedestal, if only because he's so very understanding of all my crap, but I'm learning the balance. And how to support him. If I need pointers, I just do for him what he's done for me. Marriage is awesome. Thanks for a wonderful post.
LOVED this post! Thank you! :)
Great post Beck, and full of good, practical wisdom.
It's finally happened. I finally have something in common with a mommy-blogger's husband, for I, too, am perfect.
Fabulous post. You are wise beyond words.
where can we find contributions from your husband in the book about kids with cancer? Is this is a published work, do you have a link-what is the name of the book?Would be really interested to see this, pardon my ignorance if you posted this earlier, I check in every few days and didn't see it-church would like to possibly contribute(Sunday School). Let us know! Thanks!
Because he was an emotionless blank for me to project my emotions onto, I could dump on him endlessly.
Ah, the NF/NT marriage. Isn't it awesome?
oh, beck. oh. i love this.
This is a great post, Beck. I think we've had such similar experiences in marriage. We are so lessed to have good husbands!
My theory is that if you BOTH think that you're doing the lion's share of the work to make the marriage work, then you've got it about right.
Hey, my husband replaced a toilet and he's not handy at all! I think he's a keeper too.
this is was great, and I think more people need to speak honestly about the struggles in their marriage and how they worked through them so that everyone knows that they aren't the only ones struggling, fighting with those issues, etc
Absolutely loved this! Much wisdom tucked into it.
I love this part:
8. It is a remarkable thing in this world to have another human being who loves you and who you love back and who shares your values and laughs at your jokes and comforts you when you are sad. Do not take this lightly. And if that person loads the dishwasher and tucks the kids in and brings you home bottles of wine on hard days, you would be a stone cold MORON to think about walking out.
Now THAT is something worth quoting.
I think you both are lucky to have each other - a true marriage survives the rough patches, and there will be rough patches - how can there not be when you're with someone year after year after year. You both realize things about each other and accept each other. What a beautiful thing.
My husband's moto is much the same; if it's something he can't fix then he doesn't worry about it, whereas I fret endlessly about things...he takes it all in stride.
Thank you for this post it is exactly what I needed.
oh my... have you been eves dropping in my house?
wow, fantastic post and now I'm wondering why the heck your blog hasn't been on my reader. It is now.
I love, love love your #8.
I have learned to ride the waves, too.
That is some seriously good counsel there-
loved reading it.
Christa Taylor
www.christa-taylor.com
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