Western society despises children.
We hate everything to do with kids.
We hate the way that childbearing distorts our bodies from the barely post-pubescent model that is found sexually attractive.
We hate the noise and chaos that children bring to our public spaces.
We hate spending our money on other people's kids - just watch the discussion over daycare and school funding and health insurance.
We hate the way that children interrupt the big drunken amusement ride that is childless North American adulthood. We hate the way they curtail our beloved freedom, a certain kind of unencumbered peripatetic affluent life now being seen as the highest possible happiness.
And oh, how we do hate being parents, especially according to a new study showing that people with children are more depressed than the childless. And here's another study showing the same thing, with the contradictory punchline that we get to be happy again when the kids move out.
Here's a quote from Harvard University psychology professor Daniel Gilbert:
"Parents tell me all the time that: 'My child is my greatest source of
joy'," he said.
"My reply is that: 'Yes, when you have one source of joy, it's bound to be your greatest'.
Because parenthood "crowds out all other things in life", you see. Oh, and when we have kids, we worry about them a lot, to the extent where we're just never happy again. Don't worry, though - the amount we've invested in our kids means that we do some handy and mysterious self-rationalization which makes it feel worthwhile, a nifty trick which we've been pulling for thousands of years now.
What a load of crap.
Ignoring, for a moment, the whole idea that "happiness" is SCIENTIFICALLY MEASURABLE, who decided that things that make us happier are more worthwhile ANYHOW? I would rather, for example, sit on my porch and eat cookies than clean my bathroom. Does that mean that my lounging around is more worthwhile? That's just silly.
All right, onto happiness.
We value happiness much too much. This society has the emotional depth of a seven year old with a severe attachment disorder, and I blame the Baby Boomers, of course. They're fun to blame! But let's see how happy I am, according to studies:
1. My kids. So that would be -1. Or would that be -3? I'll say -1.
2. My faith. I'm a regular church-goer and belong to a mainstream Protestant denomination, which makes me very likely to be happy. +1
3. Uh oh! I'm a woman! -1.
4. I'm married. Meh. +0.5
5. Darn! I'm a homemaker! - 1.
Poor, poor sad me, I guess.
I have many, many great pleasures in my life - I spent this morning take pictures of flowers in the rain in my backyard, The Baby stomping alongside me with a toy camera, and then we went inside and made some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and then I rocked her to sleep on my lap, her hair tangled and golden and curling along her still-babyish cheeks, my heart full of love and gentleness for her. There is no one in the world who could convince me that this is not actually a happy life, no study that could convince me in any way that these new and beloved people do not bring happiness with them.
82 comments:
I'm gonna say the people behind that study are incredibly selfish with little to no ability to form strong relationships with others.
Just a guess.
Sigh. Why do they bother with studies like these? What is the point in the grand scheme of things?
I'm happier now than I was childfree because having children led me to getting treatment for my bipolar. I guess I'm the stick in the mud that is their study.
I'm tired of this constant scrambling for "happy" as well-what happened to fulfilled or content?
I have written and erased my comment about 5 times now. I just have so much to say on this. But in the end maybe I shouldn't. Because honestly, the people who wrote those articles and did those studies don't deserve my time.
According to studies I am:
-Setting the woman's movement back by staying home with my children.
-Giving up all happiness because I had children.
-Will always be less happy than a single woman since the day I got married.
And on and on and on.
I just laugh because they couldn't be farther from the truth.
And like you, I am so sick of everyone thinking that their happiness is the most important thing in life. What are we, perpetual toddlers? Sheesh!
Great post, and great points!
I often think of my pre-mom phase as the Grinch ... before his heart grew. Now, with two kids, my heart is two sizes too big!
They need to do a study on capacity to love and put others first ...
I often think of my pre-mom phase as the Grinch ... before his heart grew. Now, with two kids, my heart is two sizes too big!
They need to do a study on capacity to love and put others first ...
Those scientists should study me. I'm a mother of two. I'm the sole income. I'm almost divorced. I'm a Christian active in my church. I'm active in my neighborhood.
From these studies and based on all the "oh poor single moms" type things I hear - I should be suicidal. Why is it that I'm really happy in life, well adjusted, and extremely invested in multiple forms of community?
What a load.
I'm getting so weary of the media and their studies on the minutae of parenting and, well, just plain existing.
*Sigh*
Happiness is wildly subjective. Like you said, cleaning my house is generally quite boring. But last week I spent one afternoon scrubbing away at filthy windows with water and vinegar. All weekend I felt immensely satisfied whenever I looked out a window.
This morning, I sat surrounded by strewn bits of wrapping paper and day-old crumbs reading an obnoxious stack of board books to my E. I felt contented then too.
Sometimes I'm not happy at all. Sometimes I'm terribly grumpy and out of sorts, but I still cherish my children, my family, my friends. Mostly I feel damn lucky to be living this life, with all of its ups and downs, happy and not-so-happy moments combined in a beautiful tapestry of living that is uniquely mine to experience.
Did you catch the last sentence of one of those studies you linked? About being a parent: "People should really think about whether they want to do this or not." What??!!!
I think the people they "studied" and the researcher haven't matured past the "I'm the center of the universe" two year old stage. Wow. I had no idea I was supposed to be so unhappy!
This sort of study drives me nuts, cause it never looks at the whole picture. Honestly, parenting is hard, it can be very hard (sometimes it is a bit easier, depending on the day). It is work. It is education. My life was a lot more carefree before I had kids. Was I happier? How can we compare. It is like comparing apples and oranges. The two lives are so different they barely relate. Would I give up my kids to be carefree again, NEVER. If I never had kids I would be: richer, better traveled, more carefree. If these things alone equal happiness then I guess I am pretty sad. But really I am not. I am in debt up to my eyeballs, we don't travel much (see debt) and I worry a lot. But I love this life. I have a few friends who are childless by choice and I honestly say, if these people ruled the world we would be in trouble. They can be so selfish, honestly they act like the children they chose not to have (I know I am generalizing, but in the case of the two I know, this describes them perfectly). Sounds to me like the authors may fit into that category. If the authors do have kids then they have just doomed themselves to have ungrateful adult children who will refuse to give them grandchildren to enjoy.
We hate the way that children interrupt the big drunken amusement ride that is childless North American adulthood. We hate the way they curtail our beloved freedom, a certain kind of unencumbered peripatetic affluent life now being seen as the highest possible happiness.
THIS.
Thank you.
i must be just about as happy as you are. married, christian, homemaker, mother.
i will say your rants always make me a little happier. does that count?
Wow! I needed this today! Thanks!
Oh...and a hearty AMEN!!
I am having a very crumby day. EVERYONE around me is miserable and cranky. I would not be good for a study at the moment. But at the end of the day when I have the kids surrounding me with my husband by my side and we are reading a story ... wow I would, and do .... do it all over again.
I think part of the problem, besides the whole issue of the conflicting definitions of happiness, is the methodology of these studies. The only way they can get these numbers is to ask people how happy they are. Which skews the results, since you are comparing memories of the past with present realities.
As Chantal said, before I had kids I definitely had more time and money for myself; therefore I was more carefree (and rested!) and if on a bad day now someone asked me if I was "happier" then, I'd probably say yes, then follow it up with: "But I'd never go back!" Because if you asked me back then what I most wanted, it was a family, and I WAS RIGHT about what I wanted to do and the scientists can't tell me otherwise. So what if I'm rationalizing? It ensures that my children will grow up with a mother who is convinced she is doing the right thing, which is a far more valuable thing in my opinion than transient happiness.
Whew. I just got up right next to you on the soapbox.
I got the same score!! Don't I get an extra point for blogging or something?!?
ugh, studies like that make me crazy,crazy, crazy - someone should study why that is!
I love it when you get on a rant, Beck. And I completely agree - what a load of crap. How anyone could ever think children make us miserable is beyond me. I'm betting they don't have any.
Well, there are some people who should think it through before bringing children into this world. Maybe that recommendation isn't so far off. There are some very selfish people who have children, and then hire other people to deal with them....and so on.
But it is a scary thing, indeed, that the role of parent is being made out to be an intrusion of "real" life. Being a mom is such a gift, and I can't think what I would be like if I didn't get this opportunity to be a mom. Our society is making less and less of this great thing. It's so backwards!
I am speechless with admiration.
"...who decided that things that make us happier are more worthwhile ANYHOW?"
I use to date this guy who would try and quantify the degree of happiness he'd achieved on a given day. And guess what? HE WAS NEVER HAPPY! Big surprise there!
Yeah, happiness is over rated. General contentment seems to be a much more feasible goal.
If you want proof that our society is anti-child announce you are homeschooling. Because obviously there is something fundamentally wrong with me because I like the company of my children.
This is another tail-kicking post Beck. You're on a roll!
What a weird study. I like the way they think our happiness can be quantified. And what about plain old contentment?? Great rant Beck!
Tough, tough. Because sometimes I do wish I could just live as I please instead of always being someone's slave. But I definitely appreciate the snuggles and kisses. ;-)
How obnoxious. I mean yes, they do drain us in certain ways as do many other things like people and houses and jobs and aging, and given the chance, we will bitch about that as we will bitch about other little irritants, but in the end? There are plenty of magical moments when we are full to bursting, and the offset is, I agree, more than worth it.
Those studies are so meaningless. What do they add to the greater picture? Nothing at all! No matter what your career is, or your line of work, you'll get tired and drained and feel you're slaving yourself. but at the end of the day, instead of getting a paycheck or outside recognition, I get hugs and kisses from my kids. Letters that tell me I'm beautiful, and that they love my cooking and how I like to spend time with them. I'm a happy person, not because I'm jumping up and down all day with this happiness thing, but because I truly have a blessed life--I have what I always wanted, my family.
I can't believe anyone would conduct and publish a study like that. I guess I'm unhappy and unfulfilled then. So be it.
Our society rates success in terms of money ... that's why SAHMs are considered to be 'wasting their time' and kids are a negative on the balance sheet.
I don't understand the fear some people have to acknowledge that simple things can bring the greatest joy - a child, a marriage, and the good and the bad inherent in both.
You just keep on keepin' on, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it giggle at its goofy reflection in the ripples.
Oh, I love it when you rant. You just have your head on straight is all.
I wish your kind of sensibility was more common.
Love,
A happy woman, despite the numbers
wow.
i'm WILDLY unhappy.
unbelieveable study.
ridiculous.
"Happiness" is definitely NOT scientifically measurable. Perception of happiness is measurable by counting scores of those surveys. But really, who gives a crap? I heard a study the other day about how liberals are less content, on the whole, than liberals. Huh?
I think it's more about taking what you've got. Being content to make it the most it can be. And finding peace and joy in whatever corners you can. I am happy right now, reading your post, waiting for the noodles to finish boiling. Rant and all, I'm content.
Most of life is hard. No one ever told me that I'd get to be happy all the time. I don't expect to. And I have a very good childless friend, who wants nothing more than a baby, who can't seem to have one right now, who would be really, really pissed off at that survey.
Heading to Kitchen Party now! :-)
Amen!
what to comment? i can't know how to respond because i am a miserable, unhappy woman with more kids than sense.
i should probably get rid of them and start enjoying life like those really happy researchers who have nothing better to do than measure other people's happiness instead of just ENJOYING IT!
GEESH!
I, for one, am infinitely glad that my tax dollars are going to pay for such worthwhile studies as these. God Bless America, and so on and so forth...
Oh, and God Bless Canada, too! *smug smirk*
The thing about those studies is that they're conducted by PhDs who have few social skills.
That's the nicest thing I can think to say about that.
It is so pathetic that you don't know enough to know you are unhappy. I share your ignorance. I wouldn't trade my 4 for anything...including a million dollars.
Great post. Take comfort in the fact that there are many, many people who know the real truth.
Parenting has brought a new, amazing, fulfilling dimension to my very fortunate life.
Rant away, Beck. And these wonderful eye opening studies are probably being funded by my tax dollars which will take us to a whole new rant!
I don't understand these people. do they want togive people an excuse to complain or try to make people dissatisfied with their lives? I would answer about the same as you on those questions and I would say I am a happy person. I have many joys in my life and my children are one of them.
Eating cookies anywhere makes me happier than scrubbing the bathroom. Do childless people find bathroom scrubbing a source of joy? Clearly they are freaks!!!!
in response to Kathryn---I find it interesting that the single women are supposedly happier except aren't they perpetually miserable while on the dreaded dating scene hunting for a mate? AND the whole point of the women's movement is that now you get to decide "hey I WANT to stay home and be a mom full time" instead of it being your only choice. How much happier a mom you are! Too bad the women who belittle your choice don't understand everyone doesn't have to make the same choice to share experiences and support each other.
I love that the sociology of religion article used Mother Theresa as their example of misery. Right. Because God forbid that we try to live like Mother Theresa. It might not make us HAPPY.
Great post, Beck. You're right on. And who said people should be happy all the time anyway? Silly stuff. Somebody call John Rosemond!
These bunch of people are probably childless, divorced and extremely unhappy. To make their misery well spreaded across the planet, they do studies to infect others with their unhappy virus. Sick!
wow on those studies! Parenthood is hard sometimes, and it is a struggle at times, but my goodness it isn't all doom and gloom! The joys outweight all of the "negatives" - you said it so well.
I completely agree with the happiness part of your rant. North American society is so very obsessed with being happy. In Europe it's okay to be unhappy sometimes. It's not like there is something wrong with you if you aren't happy all the time and having fun and loving life.
As for the children part, meh. There are so many studies. So many studies about children and motherhood and are women happier if they stay at home or if they work? Are children better of it they do this or that or the other? It's silly and exhausting to read them all and believe them all. I'll decide my own life and my own happiness (or lack thereof) thankyouverymuch. I don't need some scientist telling me what I should and shouldn't feel. There are already too many telling me how I should and shouldn't parent. It's enough to make me want to punch one of them.
being able to scientifically measure happiness is a freaking load of crap.
My main point would be WHAT IS THE POINT of these silly studies? Is it to control the rampant growth of the population? To stop future parenthood? Sheeesh!
Sure it's not always baby powder, sweet songs and snuggles ... but I wouldn't give back one second of being a parent, I cannot imagine "happy" without my little guys.
UGH!
We aren't supposed to be happy parenting. If you are it is a sign that you don't have anything else in your lifew - and that Harvard guy isn't the only one saying that. My son's first psychiatrist thought that too. Whyt would ANYONE actually ENJOY being home with their children. It MUST be a cover for how EMPTY your life it.
When my kids no longer need me to be focussed on their immeadiate needs they've given me my path and direction for the future - I'll still be making toys and I'll still be working with children - other people's childrten. THANK GOD SOME OF US ENJOY CHILDREN!
Have they done satisfaction studies with child care providers, teachers, coaches, girl guide leaders? Are they "allowed" to enjoy children?
My ex looked at family life this way. He expressed it as biological love "trapping him". Well until I left...and now he's just another deadbeat dad.
Oh and I have to say this parenting in isolation is NOT natural - this entire SOCIETY is sick and leads to depression.
Well then, let's all be miserable together. Because if *this* life is miserable -- this life of cuddling and chocolate-smeared faces and faith in God and being home when my son gets home from school -- then I'll take it any day.
STUDY SCHMUDY. HAPPINESS PAPPINESS. (Funny, that almost rhymes with pap test.) I think it's not about happiness but about depth of meaning, meaning of life. How do them beans measure up against a trifle of happiness?
I must be miserable in this life as well. In the middle of the night my youngest called out for me and I lay with her falling asleep with her arm across my chest, breath in my ear. Sheer sadness.
And yesterday, just yesterday, Bookangel spontaneously came up to me hugging me from behind and said I love you mummy. Oh, the depression.
Oh and misery of miseries, we all sat together the other night, my husband my children, me, eating poutine for Mothers day and made jokes.
Oh the horror the horror.
Our society is a silly shallow self indulgent thing.
great post Beck.
It's funny. I do experience more genuine unhappiness now that I am a Mom. There's no doubt about it. What I will say, though, is that the manic bouts of happy/unhappy that I suffer now beat the pants off the unending malaise I felt before I had children, knowing that I was getting older and all I had was this job and my material wealth.
We tend to bash studies like this out here in the blogosphere but I would really like to know just what use they are being put to in the mental health community. I read so many women who do suffer depression and who feel as if resources are so limited--it's all a "pop a pill" mindset to make it better and that infuriates me. Yes, many people do require drugs for mental health issues but those other supports, like community, family, and counseling services need to be in place too. If such studies help to bring about that kind of sea change in our culture, then so be it.
And you are right: as a culture, we do value happiness far too much. Whoever promised us that the human lot was designed to be a hedonistic one? That logic can only move forward on the assumption that a small number of happy people oppress a greater number of worker drones in order to achieve their ends.
Oh, the studies. Bollocks and hogwash.
I feet the most unsettled/unhappy hearing and reading about the debate between working mom and sahm(s). Either choice implies guilt which parents have aplenty. Guilt is in our job description!
I was recently quoted in an article on 'the baby wars' and whether or not they should be expected to accompny their parents on 'adult' ventures, like going to restaurants, or you know, out in public.
I think you can guess which side I'm on.
Can't. Handle. The. Crybabies.
I think I'm going to be SICK! that's just appalling!
"Yes, when you have one source of joy, it's bound to be your greatest." What a smug, ignorant response.
I have three sources of joy (4, if you count my husband); I can't think of a thing that would bring me more joy, including time to myself, material things or more hobbies. I agree with the assessment that whoever did the study is childless and really, truly does not "get it".
Happiness is a hard thing to measure, isn't it? There are a lot of things in my life that were better before I had a child. There are a lot of things that are better now. I'd keep my son even if it would make me unhappy all the time (but it won't).
In a way I'm definitely a happier person now than I was when I was younger. I don't think it's my son's duty to make me happy. In fact I don't think that anybody can make me happy. I have to do that myself.
I think that most people view happiness different than we do. More like the kind of happiness that you see in the movies and advertisements. That kind of happiness doesn't go together with real life very well.
there is a difference, i think, between unhappiness and real depression. one is just life with all its ups and downs and one is a true illness.
Beck, it was such a comfort to me when you mentioned in a comment that your blog is in a state of decay like mine. And then you go writing clever, funny, smart posts like this as if you're just showing off. Curse you, woman!
Oops, I have another comment. I think where these studies go wrong is that they don't divide up the childless people into the right kind of separate groups. Sure, people in their twenties can be pretty happy, and life isn't demanding much more of them than what they're capable of, but part of that happiness IS the comfortable assumption that they will have children in the future - that expectation is part of the way they conceptualize themselves and their lives. And if you're controlling for age, and comparing childless people in their thirties, say, to mothers and fathers of the same age, again I think you need to separate out those who never wanted children (and don't have them) from those who did or do. I'm pretty sure that parents are statistically happier than people in the midst of infertility treatments, let's say, or unmarried people who are grieving the loss of the family life they wish they had. Sure, there are people who never wanted children and who are perfectly happy without them, but that's not especially relevant to the rest of us - the majority of people for whom the desire for a family is fundamental. It's like saying tall people are happier than short people. Okay, fine - but what do you expect me to do with that information? My childless sister-in-law may be happier than I am right now (actually, she's not, but that's another story), but that's not to say that making the same choices she did would make ME any happier.
Oh studies like that make me just so impatient! Yes, I suppose if you view children as an interruption of your oh-so-important, busy life, than they might make you "unhappy." But what is happiness anyway? I have felt so absolutely and totally fulfilled and had so much joy through my children, who have added so much meaning to my busy and important life! You go Beck!
And I have always thought that the mindless pursuit of happiness as a virtue more considered than any other is one of the major problems of our silly, selfish and materialistic society.
That Oprah cult of happiness again. What a burden.
I have found that when I try to express these things there is usually someone out there who gets mad at me. Either I'm not expressing myself well, or they are feeling hyper-defensive of their bubble of happiness.
Rule #1 with these people: DON'T BURST IT, for goodness' sakes!
But I find it incredibly freeing to just admit that happiness is not the goal - it's a gift. Enjoy it, please. You don't have to grit your teeth over it.
I find it bizarre that so many American women are on anti-depressants. Do you think it could be because they are NORMAL but unfortunately buying into the party line that we are supposed to be perfectly happy CONSTANTLY? Who knows.
It's weird, though, that of all countries on this earth, here we are, blessed beyond what most can imagine - and we need drugs for it. Measure THAT, why dontcha.
Exactly.
I decided a while ago that since I was happiest when I'm angry, I should really stop listening to other people about "letting go" of my anger and just be angry when I want to. I haven't been happier in my life.
So I really don't hold to any "modern" methods of achieving happiness. It's all a load of crap. Who wants to be happy all the time anyway? I'd much rather be angry. Especially when anger gets that tub scrubbed spotless, or my computer desk moved into my room (where I wanted it in the first place!).
I think anger is just as useful as happiness, and it's ridiculous to say that happiness is the only emotion we should feel. We have an entire RANGE of emotions for a reason, and we, as a society, need to stop making people who use that range feel like they're doing something wrong.
Love it, Beck. RIGHT ON<
Sounds very much like the perfect life.
I don't get it at all. When I was childless, I was miserably self-centered and focused only on fulfilling my every whim. My sister-in-law's mother just left a comment on her blog. She was encouraging her looming feelings of inadequacy of new motherhood with a quote from Dalai Lama, "The Purpose of our lives is to be happy." Insert MAJOR eye roll.
great post. our society is so busy telling us what "should" make us happy, and we're so bombarded with movies and books that say "if you aren't getting everything you want, try something else" there is no "stick to it" attitude when it comes to marriage, children are accessories, etc, etc.
ack.
obviously, I agree with you.
What a load of rubbish and who has the time to waste in such a study.
An old saying "Happiness (or contentment) is wanting what you have, NOT having what you want.
Even though I brought up four children on my own, as a stay at home Mum, there is no way that I regret those years, or would be without any of them, or my six grandchildren.
My advice is "Get a life!!
"We value happiness much too much. This society has the emotional depth of a seven year old with a severe attachment disorder"
I LOVE this phrase so much I want to tattoo it on my chest. I won't though, 'cause I'm scared of needles.
Crazy.
The funny thing is, when I was childless I was depressed all the time because I couldn't get pregnant. Now that I have my baby...I can't say I'm happy all the time (my husband is in Iraq, after all) but I'm certainly happier more often! Just a little grin from the Little Mister and I am full of joy.
This is a great post. Studies like this irritate me....could that money not have been better spent?
Nothing brings my heart more joy than to see my son smile and laugh.
Scientists don't know anything.
What is the point of doing research on unmeasurable things, like happiness, and trying to fit a definition of it into a formula we can ascribe to? I didn't know emotions were measurable and quantifiable... neither is joy.
Thanks for sharing that; it's good to hear something sensible!
All week I've been feeling miserable and busy, but this morning I walked to the office past a pre-school group going on an expedition round the university... totally made my day. Their delight in life is something that cannot help but bring joy.
The more I hear about universal preschool, full-day kindergarten, longer schools days, longer school years, though, the more I'm inclined to think that perhaps people DO want to get their kids out of the house earlier and longer. But, ironically, I think this makes the relationship less satisfying between parent/child.
I must be flippin' miserable, I tell you. Ooops, almost mispelled that as my son kissed me on the nose. BTW, that Harvard Researcher can kiss me too but in a different spot.
Part of the 'stress' of North American families is the lack there of.. children need extended love which can come from relatives, friends and schools. I'll be reading your blog, it's entertaining and informative!
I love you, my depressed housewife mother of three. I guess we are both way down in the negatives, huh?
what a load of dooky.
xo ~K
Amen.
Honestly, I knew our generation was in trouble when Donald Trump started making a comeback.
My children are a lot of work and effort and sometimes I find it draining but I find pleasure in so many things, and while they are a part of my joy, they are not the end all be all.
But they are my work and my life and my REAL joy for the most part. And what I do with them MATTERS.
It matters to me that they have me home with them, picking them up from school, just being there and providing them with a warm soft place to land.
There are so many children today who do not have that in their lives. It mean a lot just for me to be here for my boys.
I don't care what any study says, my work with my children matters, to me and to them and that is all I care about.
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