A lot of men where I live are just incredibly awful. Really. I'm always kind of shocked that they find attractive! nice! wives and that their wives than go on to have children with their horrible crappy husbands. I mean, we're talking big fat mean monosyllabic jerks who sit sullenly in front of the tv all night drinking beer and only get animated when they're fixing snowmobiles with their big fat jerk friends on the weekends, men who hit their kids and swear at their wives and get into fights and smash their big stupid trucks into rockcuts because they've been drinking or because their brains are the size of shotglasses.
Not that I have an OPINION on them or anything. And not that I ever wonder why ANYONE would ever willingly mate with one of those men rather than choosing a life of celibacy or perhaps joining a nice quiet convent. But I like my men - or man, since I'm a modest lass - rather different than the Mean Caveman mold, as my cake decorating, baby sling wearing, wife doting husband should prove. He's a good guy.
It's funny then that me with my artistic, sweet tempered husband and my rather extreme distaste for the local Proto Men would feel that a) masculinity is not just a social construct and b) it's vitally important that we give our sons a vital, life-enhancing masculine culture, not to get all Iron John on you or anything. I DO think that a lot of what we consider "masculine" and "feminine" behaviour IS just socially ingrained stuff and I DO think that a lot of that stuff is just CRAP - 15 year old boys bragging about being "players" or whatever the kids nowadays are calling being promiscuous, 10 year old girls worrying about their weight - but I also think, pretty firmly, that the answer is not in androgyny, in a neutered idea of what childhood should be. Whatever we're doing with our boys these days is NOT working, as the school shootings and high Canadian rates of teenage male suicides and the generalized hopeless despair of the young guys I know tends to suggest - and I'm much more worried about what the future holds for my son than my daughters, worried that not only will he fall prey to the moronic risk-taking of teenage boys but also that he'll vanish into the gutteral world of Proto Men, become a man that I don't like.
My husband spends a lot of time making our Boy work - last night they were digging out the root bed of this horribly invasive weed that's eaten our flowerbeds, and I've written before about the two of them taking apart the photocopier and building little skittering robots. I also find that I spend a lot of time with my hand clasped over my mouth in horror, like earlier this week when the Boy decided to ride his bike down a steep pile of rocks, or last night when he climbed a rickety tree, snapping branches beneath his sneakers. And we have a GOOD boy - a sweet, enthusiastic, kind-hearted, lovable little guy - but he still spends his school days playing Ninja Hard Kickers of Justice with the other boys in his class, this ancient rythym of boyhood.
So last night, The Boy kept making excursions to the back of the yard, his hands cupped protectively around something and then he'd dash back to his dad's side, pick up his shovel and start hacking away again at the tangled roots. Curious, I went over and saw that they were occasionally digging up worms, blind and pathetic thumbs in the evening air, and the Boy was rescuing them, running them to the muddy hidden places in the yard before getting uncomplainingly back to work again, this men's work. And I don't know how to do this, how to balance the aggression and energy and dumb bravery with his sweetness and creativity, working underground blindly like some big dumb worm myself. Let me do right by him, I thought in the dusk last night.
54 comments:
Oh Beck,
I love love love this post!
As a mom of 4 boys and one girl sandwiched in between them all I find I most often vocalize my fretting about the girl, but I LIVE the fretting about the boys daily, constantly, and in my sleep.
I have strange, wonderful, don't fit inside the slot for males in society, Nice Boys (tm) too and each of them is wildly different from one another.
Papa Pan will need to read this when he gets home :-) He's a big believer in the bonding that boys do when the work with older men. He grew up without a dad (drowned when he was 5) and he's a songwriter and the most heartwrenching of his songs are about boys searching out strong caring male rolemodels...no wonder he became a teacher.
Hi-5 on the point of rather be a virgin than to mate with such man..Ewww...! But guess what, Love is Blind! very blind indeed.
....the digging thingy...its the man's stuff...the image (in my head) of them digging together...nice!
Oh and I think what we're not doing right with our boys applies to our girls to, its just a different kind of self destructive behaviour....we don't let kids take risks any more, most don't clamp their hands over their mouths when their child is building a soapbox derby car, or climbing a tree, testing their limits. We don't let kids out of our sight between 7-14 years of age for fear of abduction, or worse. So by the time they reach their teens they feel we don't trust THEM, and they've never had the opportunity to learn to trust themselves and they go wild at an age where the consequences are a lot more dire than broken bones....or they become depressed and see themselves as incapable when they should feel invincible.
That was really sweet of him and the very definition of manliness in my brain. I hope my three boys can find that perfect balance that fits them into a "gentleman" kinda category.
Surprising, isn't, it, that these men do find someone to mate with?
Your boy is just fine... there are quite a few boys in my boys circle who like to be tough boys, and still know how to be so tender. It's all about balance.
What a wonderful post!
I love your Boy, I do. I tell ya, my Bean will just be down here in southeastern America, waiting for him. Just say the word! (She is a protector of the caterpillars, just so ya know.) ;)
Beautiful, Beck. Just beautiful.
Beck.
Great post.
I read a book once about boys called, "Created For Work". It was good.
Raisin' boys and raisin' girls is hard stuff.
Oh what a sweet boy.
i would never have admitted that there was anything different between boys and girls (except the obvious) until i had them. and now it just seems so obvious--they are wholly different creatures, boys and girls. and i want my boy to be sensitive and kind and sweet like my husband and yours, yet i fear that slippery slope back toward cave man sensibility. i cringe inside as i see the young college men up the road with their stupid pit bulls straining at their chains and they slur their drunken words as they try and pick up young women passing buy. i just hope my son can show his strong masculine side as he grows without going ape man on me.
My brother is 8 years older than me, so I have no idea what he and my dad did when he was The Boy's age, but I remember LOVING helping my dad when I was that age. I helped him build an enormous long staircase from the dock to the cottage, I helped him fix fences on the farm. Usually, I held the hammer and watched as, when he hit his thumb again (he actually was VERY handy), he tried not to swear.
My husband is not really handy at all, but he always deals with the bugs, humanely removing them from the house. I always do the yard work, except for the heavy digging, so I'm not sure what the future of manliness will be for my son. I'm not so worried about about that stuff within the context of our family, but I have been thinking that boys may be worse off than girls now. Certainly, they have a lot less flexibility in expectations of gender performance.
I think the difference in the men you and I have in our close lives and the ones we see out there who are not at all like them, is not masculinity at all.
I think it is just plain consideration and compassion, which somehow comes from the way they were raised.
I guess we have to thank their mamas that they did well. And take notes to make sure we do the same.
I love this post. It is a great comparison and brings up some great questions.
The way he was taking those worms to a safe place just made me smile, Beck. He's going to a fine man someday, with a soft side like that.
Those guys you're describing at the beginning of this post? Yuck. Sounds like a really bad redneck movie. Guys like that make my skin crawl. I prefer worm-rescuers.
I agree that we shouldn't do away with masculinity. It's as necessary as femininity, in a yin-yang sense, for the success of a culture, IMO.
However, I think we ought to do away with the erroneous conclusions about what masculinity entails (the licenses it ought to provide) ASAP.
I just don't think our society gives enough credit to the role of fathering. For children of either gender.
Sometimes I look at the husbands of friends and think, "What kind of svengali are you? You -- you monosyllabic buffoon unable to hold a conversation with me because you can't see women as your equal and have no way to relate to anyone who isn't addicted to NHL -- are going to raise crappy fucked-in-the-head daughters. Whom my sons will NOT be allowed to date."
I have a hard time thinking ahead to the future - that my sweet little boys might become the hoodlums that I've seen and hate on sight. I certainly agree that we cannot do away with masculinity - it's ridiculous to even try. But we should redefine what masculinity entails, so that those who would not naturally go down that hoodlum trail don't get swept up by the male propaganda.
Sounds like whatever you guys are doing is working out just fine.
It sounds like you are doing exactly what you should be. Your boy sounds both masculine and lovely. What a boy.
Having a wonderful, positive male influence is essential for boys. It sounds like your hubby has that covered well too.
Raising three boys, I am so thankful that I have a kind, compassionate, loving, yet very masculine hubby to help show them the way.
The 14 year old nephew of a good friend of mine committed suicide over the weekend and I wonder. I wonder what makes a boy of 14 already feel so hopeless about his life that he'd do such a thing? And how will I protect my two kids from that kind of hopelessness? Scary. You made me laugh and cry. You always do. Such is your amazing talent, Beck. Laugh, cry, think, and wish I had some cake or a brownie. Sigh.
Awww, Becks! That last part made me want to cry, as I think of my little blond bundle of sweetness! I can't imagine him becoming one of those Proto Men, or taking risks on his bike, etc.!
And, this is a really unique post.... Mostly, I worry about what the future holds for my daughter. Because how many times have heard things like, "I'm so happy I don't have girls." So annoying! I never hear anyone say the same about their boys, and it always pisses me off because I'm thrilled to have a girl and equally thrilled to have a boy -- BOTH are challenging.... It's a tough world to grow up in, period.... Always has been. And, we're prepared.... We'll guide them so they'll do well in this world and be happy. :)
Wonderful, wonderful post. :)
what a lovely post, B.
You are doing right by him. I hear it in your voice.
It is the nature of mothers to worry about doing right by our kids, whether they are boys or girls. I guess it means that we care deeply about our children, all that worry.
I just want my kids to grow into good people who respect others but also don't let others run over them either.
I love that your son was rescuing worms. That's a good heart in that one.
Maybe I just have more faith in girls' coping skills, but sometimes boys just strike me all at once like big puppies, all gangly and uncertain what to do with their strength, so easily hurting others, and so easily hurt themselves. And there are so painfully few men who can show them the way through it.
When I watch my brother with his sons and nephews, he is unnervingly strict sometimes. But the goal of his parenting seems to be training this young boy how to master and channel himself into good things, so that when he is a big, passionate man, he has a lifelong habit of courtesy, gentleness and respect. there is such hope in that.
Now there's a prayer that I pray quite often... for both of my kids.
I agree with you. Truly.
My husband was a contradiction in terms. Big, burling college football player/English major writing me poems.
I hope I can find that balance for my son. And that he will grow to be a non-jackass.
I loved this post...I have two little men, 7 and 3, and even though they love to do men's things, they're also very tender-hearted and sweet. My older one wanted to be a midwife (now he'll be a restauranteur), and my 3 year-old nurses his stuffed animals. I think it all goes down to nurturing and their original dispositions. Well, I had to pause because my "sweet" 3 year-old was strangling my yorkie...so there you go, it's all in their dispositions!!! hahaha!
Well, Mothering Magazine had a superb editorial on the role of men as fathers. It's a MUST read. Also, I have a book titled "From Boys to Men." I don't recall the name of the author, but you can probably google it. In the book the author explains that boys in our society, never really become men, with a ritualistic passage, so they, in many cases, never behave like men. It's a very interesting read; makes a lot of sense, and makes you wonder if in truth our civilized world is really better off than tribal societies that have thrived for centuries.
Well, I'll go. Beautiful post!!!!
This is one of those posts that gets me blurry-eyed with a big sigh heaving up from my chest.
What is amazing and difficult to remember is that what YOU do for him doesn't have nearly as much consequence as what his dad does. And it sounds like he is doing a great job.
ack! I wasn't worried about my sweet baby boy BUT NOW I AM! I do not want him to be a caveman, drinking beer, beating his wife sort of man.
May all our sons rescue the worms!
Great post, Beck. I like that you started out so moderate and calm and all ;-) However, I am quite familiar with the species of Northern Ontario men of which you speak. This is probably why I didn't date at all in high school. Hm.
Yes. Boys and girls are different, generally. We have to account for individuals and variation but gender is not so simply 'constructed' that we might do away with the idea of boy and the idea of girl ... or of man and of woman, generally. And I worry for boys: the culture we live in seems so much harder for them to navigate than it is for girls.
you with an opinion? the HELL you say!
I love, love, love this--so perfect, beck, you warmed my heart through and through.
You ARE doing right by him. You are. And if you want wonderful sensative masculine men for your daughters...I happen to be raising two such boys.... (hee hee).
What a sweet story! Sometimes I read your posts and they're so poignant that it bring tears to my eyes.
What a great post. There is a way to be masculine and have sensitivity too.
Plus, I really love your first paragraph about the jerk husbands. I have had very similar thoughts, but we don't have snowmobiles in this area.
I think this is one of the best posts I've ever read.
I prayed a similar prayer the other day. I was just looking at the Three, just being who they are, all young and innocent...
"Lord, don't let me mess them up"
What a wonderful post. You know, I think I don't worry very much about my son's conception of masculinity - probably because of my husband. I think boys learn how to become a man from watching their father, and they learn how to treat a woman from watching how their father treats their mother. They learn how to work from watching their parents work.
And I feel so blessed to know that if my son is anything like my husband, he will be a wonderful man. And very, very obviously, so will yours.
My boys are gentle sweeties, too. And I desperately want to keep it that way. Maybe we can all start a commune ?
Heidi
That scene of your son carrying the worms to safety reminded me of Seven Years in Tibet where the monks saved the worms as they dug a foundation for whatever it was they were building. (A movie theater?)
So far he seems fine. You and your sensitive yet masculine husband must be doing something right.
i don't disagree that masculinity and feminity have meanings...but what i worry about for my boy is that what society erroneously THINKS masculinity is will get in the way.
Sweet... Boys need activity, and to be able to stand back and say "See what I MADE!!" To defend their family, be it from real danger or invisible ninjas. There isn't any real right of passage for youth anymore.
This is wonderful. I cried a little about the sweetness of rescuing the worms. He sounds perfect!
My son's energy is completely different from my daughter's. It is hard to imagine that we conditioned them to be the way they are. They just ARE that way.
The future is full of pitfalls for both of them. But as you said, in some ways, I look at her and figure she is just going to turn into me, and really, except for seventh grade, there are worse ways to be. But Thing Two? Hopefully, his wonderful Dad will be the strongest influence.
This is a very interesting post. I have two sons and I do think about this. My husband and I are very conscious of what we model for our kids. I am lucky to have a well balance husband. Like you, I know others who are not so lucky. I surly hope that my boys will grow up to the the kind of men I would be proud to spend time with. Sounds like we are both on the right track.
What a sweet boy! Mine is only 2.5 but I worry all the time about the balance he will have to strike...
I have never posted a comment on a blog before, but this post has really got me thinking.
What I find so interesting is the tension between wanting to believe that masculinity is not socially constructed and the desire to have a "balanced" son. I definitely agree with you that this balance is absolutely essential in raising our sons, but to me this balance represents raising good PEOPLE, not just good sons. I believe that the world would be a better place if we all had that balance between activity and sensitivity, regardless of our gender. If this kind of balance is what we strive for in raising our children, then it makes me think that what we group together as "masculinity" and "femininity" is kind of arbitrary and that we may be better off focusing on the categories of "good" and "bad" and letting our sons' and daughters' own interests fill in the gaps.
Thanks for an interesting post!
I can vouch for the Northern Ontario men you speak of...not that I am saying this is the case for ALL the men, but you are right in the case of many.
Having two girls excludes me I suppose from this struggle, but honestly I was terrified of having a boy for many of these reasons. Men and supposed to be MEN by society's standards or they are not masculine enough - yet these are the men that turn out as you describe.
I think that raising sensitive, empathetic and caring children will net you wonderful children all around.
you're doing fantastic by him
What can I add to that? I know exactly what you mean... and after having 2 girls, the desire to raise this boy to be a good MAN feels important and looming.
I'm also thankful that I fell in love with a MAN, not a child in a man's body. And that's really the difference between a good man and a bad one, isn't it? GROW UP, for goodness' sakes.
We are so fortunate to have men who see the value in showing their children a broader view of masculinity. I am excited for my daughter to learn how to knit, bake bread AND fix a lawnmower someday....and have her DAD to her teacher!
He is determined to be a better father than he had - I just hope he doesn't lose any fingers in the process!
Beck. Sometimes you surpass even yourself in your insight and poignant ability to write about parenting and childhood. About people and feelings. Its such an instinctive style.
Okay. 'nuff gushing.
I think you are doing right by him Beck, just by the stories you tell of him - you are raising him to be good and kind...and I bet he'll turn into a fine young man who you can be proud of.
oh I think this shows how you have done right by him.
you're a good mama beck.
I love this.
Post a Comment