An Interview With A Beckvire

The faraway Meredith asked me the following questions:
1) You may have already posted this story once, but how did you meet your husband?
High school.... and then we were set up on a date with mutual friends.

2) If money wasn't an issue, where would you like to live and what would you be doing there?
I'm not a huge "imagining I live someplace else" kind of person, mainly because I can always think about 800 problems with anyplace I imagine. But I still do fantasize about running the general store/post office/LCBO in Great-Grandpa's one street town.

3) What was your favorite board game as a child and why?
Hm. Not Risk. Good grief - my dad and brothers would always haul that out whenever friends or relatives visited and then it would be HOURS of listening to them squabble. I hate that game. But I LOVED the Game Of Life - I just loved cramming the little plastic car full of peg babies.

4) What is your favorite holiday food and can you share the recipe please?
My most EVOCATIVE holiday food is for a very My-Family-Specific Asparagus Salad recipe, which involves canned asparagus, olives and mayonaisse... I'm swooning with nostalgic hunger just thinking about it. My favorite holiday food is my mom's stuffing, although I think she just wings it. Oh, and the jello salad that has green jello and cream cheese and other stuff - I love that. YUM.

I was dashing around the house this morning, getting the kids ready for school and leaned out to look at the thermometer on the porch...
... and there was a fox looking back at me, narrow-faced and intense and vivid red against the snow.
Our eyes met briefly and then he silently skittered down the driveway and out into the road, off to do foxwork. And my heart leapt wildly, this sudden rush of feral joy, like I was off and running alongside him.

It's that time again...

(edited to add: Ali has a great post up today on this very topic! Go have a look.)

.... ranting time!
I haven't had, I notice, a good online rant in a while. The truth is that I've been rather sad since my kids started back to school and I've had a hard time perking up - I'm not depressed, just melancholy and blue. Christmas is coming, though, and I feel more like myself again and the proof of that was when I read this "news" article and steam came shooting out of my ears.

Take this (poorly written) quote:

Calling himself an atheist and proudly supportive of that personal belief, it
was a spiritual point of view that thre (sic) Halton principals in
"precautionary" action mode. It also drove them to can December's
Scholastic book flyers just because The Golden Compass is in it and available to
order.

Yeah. The Catholic School Board (the board in question) doing an informal review of a book that is OPENLY ANTI-CATHOLIC is guilty of being closed-minded and intolerant. And Scholastic didn't make any mistakes putting an anti-Christian book on the cover of their Christmas book flyer, by any means, and Christian schools certainly have no call to not hand out those flyers to children who are enrolled in, you know, a Christian school. It's the new literary Dark Age!

Certainly.

Would we accuse any other religious group of intolerance in this situation? Why are Christian parents expected to sit quietly around while their children read books depicting the young heroine killing the Christian God and surrounded by villainous Christians (or more specifically: villainous Catholics)? If Pullman's goal is, as he has said, "to kill God" in the minds of children, why would ANY parent of faith let their young child anywhere near his books, or, for that matter, take their children to the movie?

(and let me add, gently, that this is one of the things that I have always found the funniest about the vocal minority of Harry Potter-haters - the Potter series is so easily read as a Christian parable and reflects religious values so well, while selling alongside it with no controversy to speak of was the His Dark Materials series... )

The Centre for Inquiry and the Canadian Secular Alliance has called the response to the upcoming Golden Compass movie "an overt example of the discrimination against atheists by the religious." Yeah, not so much. I don't CARE about the faith (or lack of) in my children's authors and entertainers - They Might Be Giants are atheists and we cheerfully crank "Here Comes the ABCS" five million times a day. If they come out with a song called "Hey Kids, There Is No God" I AM NOT GOING TO PLAY IT IN MY HOUSE. Isn't this an obvious distinction? And while there may be a place for children's books for wee atheist children, expecting them to be a big hit amongst the Catholic School Board set is just going to lead to disappointment.

Secular culture would like faith to be a hobby - something like stamp-collecting, something that doesn't affect my day-to-day behaviour or buying habits or how I raise my children. But write a book with the express purpose of luring MY children away from OUR faith and it's surprising how quickly I lose that secular facade.

I DO think that Phillip Pullman is a terrific writer. I think that his books are justly popular and I think that book-banning is a worrisome trend - but as a parent, I'm horrified. Is mindless consumption of popular culture our ultimate goal here or are we allowed to be thoughtful about the media we allow our children to be exposed to without people mentally playing the banjo theme from Deliverance in their heads? But just as keeping my daughters away from Bratz is widely seen as good parenting, keeping my children away from spiritual concepts that I know they're not ready for doesn't automatically become silly just because secular culture would like people not to take faith seriously. Faith is serious stuff, and hey - I am proudly supportive of my personal beliefs, whatever that means.

A snowy day

We got some serious snow today - The Baby and I had to cancel a pleasant outing because neither of us felt sturdy enough to walk across town in blowing snow and biting wind. So instead we sat around at home and put up some of the Christmas decorations EVEN THOUGH IT IS NOT YET ADVENT.

I KNOW. SHOCKING.

Anyhow. I love my Christmas decorations - and every year I realize how much I've unknowingly missed them over the past 11 months.

Hello, snowglobe that the kids CONSTANTLY fight over. I've missed you and your shockingly as-yet-unbroken self:

Hello, new light-up church that I just bought yesterday - you're pretty awesome:

An argument could be made that I didn't really MISS you so much, having not owned you until yesterday, but PSHAW. There was a little light-up church shaped-space in my heart and now it has been filled.

And most poignantly - hello, little angels:
I opened their box tenderly and saw with a shock of horror that one of them - the E - had been broken sometime in the past year.

And okay, probably not the worst thing that ever happened but they were my Grandma's and I miss her in this quiet, permanent sort of way and I couldn't even take care of them. I stood there for a moment feeling rather broken myself, filled with this wave of loss and self-loathing and then I pragmatically packed poor little E back up and set the other three up. And then I made some cookies.

My husband gently inspected the little broken E and said that she could be easily fixed, so she'll be back up again in no time. They've all been broken before and yet are still here for every Christmas of my life - once upon a time at my Grandma's house and now at mine and even without their candles, they're still lights for me on a suddenly wintry day.

My kitchen party post is up!

Go read about some awful, awful foods I've either eaten or made. Go!

For Mad: A Rerun!

Last year, I posted a tutorial on how to make these huge snowflake thingys. And now, for your reading/crafting enjoyment, here they are again! Relive the joy of my scary hobo floors! Experience the terror of looking at my prematuraly geriatric hands! Feel the sorrow of looking at my favorite plaid pajama pants, now sadly lost to the whims of time and/or poor fabric construction. Thrill to my expertise with a stapler!

And with no further adieu: Here is last year's snowflake post.

1. Okay. First get six big square pieces of lightweight (like computer) paper. Fold them into a triangle down the middle like so :

2. On the top triangle-y half, draw the lines as I've shown. USE PENCIL - I just used three different shades of marker so it would show up (or use marker if you like, but it will show up a bit). Make sure you mark on your right hand lines in the same place where I put the little red stars (and this is not an exact science - just eyeball it).

3. On to cutting. Cut the pink lines ONLY to the red stars - you can see me and my creepy old lady hands cutting the pink line all the way to the red star, while the top blue line will get cut to where the blue and pink lines intersect.
The pink lines will be shorter; the blue lines longer, but neither gets cut all the way to the bottom. Okay?

4. Open up your folded paper - they should look like this:

And isn't my living room floor excellent? I love living in a house while it's being sloooowly renovated! I love my creepy hillbilly floors!

5. Onwards and upwards and I hope you have a lot of staples. Get out your stapler (and it's best if it's a smaller one) and taking ONE of your cut sheets, fold the very middle points in to each other, the opposite of the way that the paper has folded. Staple 'em together so that you have a little round tube-y thing.

I am rocking at this explanation stuff! Oh yeah! I suck! Your snowflake should look like this right now.

6. Still with me? Take the next set of points and go the other way - in the direction that it is folded. Staple them together as I'm showing you with my creepy vein-y hands.
7. Staple the next set of points together, going against the direction of the fold again. And then - is this obvious now? You take the final set of points and staple them together IN the direction of the fold. It should look like this:

8. Now do that five more times until you have six of these weird looking things laying around your living room:
9. Okay. Take three of those thingys, and line them up so that they're all going the same way - you want the staples on the center tube to be lined up facing the same way as each other, and you want to have the flattish parts at the top all lined up. Staple at the top like I'm showing you:
10. Now staple the left thingy's middle loop - it's pretty obvious while you're doing it where you should staple - to the center thingy's middle loop. Stape the right thingy's middle loop to the center thingy's closest loop ,too. Stape together the other three remaining thingys in the same way. Now you have two half snowflakes. The little pirate is optional. Arr.
11. Staple them together! You're going to need to staple the halves together, and also staple it once in the middle to make it hang correctly.
And look in my previous post for what this should all look like when you're done, since blogger won't let me download another picture. It's really easy - really, it is - but hard to explain. The pictures will hopefully be a better help than these "word" things.

I LOVE looking at craft blogs. I love cruising craft stores and eyeing up all the bins full of beads and felt. I love coming home with huge bags full of Very Expensive Craft Supplies, my husband driving and rolling his eyes and ENDANGERING OUR LIVES.
What I don't actually love - sadly - is DOING crafts. But that's okay - I come up with my great ideas and then my husband does them and then I take all the credit and everyone is happy! Maybe not my husband so much, but hey, he can't have everything.
So that is to say: I have not made any of these, except for clothespin dolls and the crayons, but none of these look terribly hard.

Allsorts Felt Elf Shoe Pattern (which would be REALLY cute filled up with candy.)
How to Make A Sock Monkey. Just not for The Boy - sock monkeys freak him out.
How to make a BEAUTIFUL Ruby soft doll on One Red Robin.
Barb's wonderful burp cloths tutorial!
A little felt purse full of clothespin dolls - a lovely gift for a little girl or a lovely gift for a little girl to MAKE.
My very own how-to-make-heart-shaped-crayons tutorial from a while back.
How to make a really simple fleece hat.
Homemade playdough.
A no-sew fleece pillow.
How to make a pillowcase skirt.
How to make solid perfume. This is kind of a risky gift since smell is a very personal thing, but I find the idea of making my own perfume so exciting that I nearly had to hyperventilate into a paperbag. Of course, I'm still not actually going to DO it, but it's fun to think about.
OH MY GOSH! LOOK AT THIS WRAPPING PAPER TO PRINT OUT AT MARTHA STEWART! Okay, not actually a craft but GORGEOUS.
Felt baby shoes.
How to make a snow globe.
How to make a tiny pinata, which would be a terrific little gift, filled with candy and trinkets.
How to make a funky little cardboard purse, which would be a nice place to stuff a gift card or a homemade cd.
A beautiful covered book by Pieces.

So maybe there's something on that list that grabs your heart and that you want to make and if so, have fun. And maybe there's not - the good news is that there are festively decorated places in which you can buy many, many nice things and there's never any need whatsoever to make anything if that's not your idea of fun. Isn't that a cheerful state of affairs?
If you have some lovely tutorial on your blog or if you know of some wonderful craft online, let me know in the comments.

Hey!

I'm all blogged out for today, but I'll probably post a few more recipes at the ol' food blog later. I'll spend this weekend making a big post of craft links, so stay tuned.
See ya.

FYI

There's some new recipes up at my food blog (even one for any vegetarians in the crowd AND it's gluten-free!).

It's A Slightly Homemade Christmas!

Here's another beautiful wooden teething ring from Etsy. The woodworker sells several, if you look around his shop AND he's Canadian!

I am NOT craftsy - or I am, but I lack some essential manual dexterity + talent component. And I'm horribly organized, so I never know where I left my glue gun, my yarn and all of my glitter glue, resulting in me giving up on my big crafting project and going to have a sulk on the couch with my good friend, Mr. TV. Even with these limitations, we still manage to crank out a bunch of handmade presents every year, mainly because my husband makes them.

And now he can make books, so we're probably giving several of our near and dears homemade (but professionally bound, THANK YOU) books this year. Here are some of the ideas we've had for homemade books:

- recipe books, which make a nice gift for kids leaving home or for new in-laws, especially if you have tons of cherished family recipes.

- a poetry compilation. The Boy has LOTS of favourite poems scattered hither and yon and his dad and I have had an idea for a while to put them all into one book for him, complete with drawings by Daddy. This would be a great gift for my little guy, who is prone to suddenly stopping and exclaiming "Back, he spurred like a madman, shrieking a curse to the sky". Like great-great-grandfather, like great-grandmother, like grandfather, like mother, like son.

- a personalized colouring/activity book. We've done this a few times, generally before trips - I spend some time going through the Internet, looking for fun printables (from places like The Toymaker) and then my husband binds all of our choices into a soft-bound book. Pair that up with a pair of safety scissors, a glue stick and some markers and you have a VERY nice gift. Yes, you can get a colouring book from the dollar store, but this way you can include little cut and assemble toys and colouring pages right to the taste of the recipient.

So that's the kind of thing we make. We also give food presents:

- there's the old stand-by, chocolate truffles. I'm going to be honest: these are probably the most happily received of all the food gifts, but they're also expensive to make and kind of a pain in the butt, too. Still, people LOVE them, and nicely packaged, they can take the place of a MUCH more expensive gift.

- I've never made this but a friend swears by it: Homemade Caramel Corn. It's easy to make in large quantities, most people like it (although I don't), and it's CHEAP to make. All good things.

- we make hot cocoa in a jar kits and people eagerly wait for them because they're delicious. That link is EXACTLY the one we use and it's a) cheap and b) wonderful (not one of them uses any horrible pseudo foods!) and c) really pretty, especially the candy cane one. This is a nice teacher present. It also looks nice in jars on your kitchen shelves, too.

- you can also make up a big batch of sugar cookies or gingerbread men and package them with some tubes of icing and some sprinkles and drop them off some Saturday morning as a fun kit for a harried friend with kids - all of the hard stuff is done and now her kids get to spend the afternoon decorating cookies with no trouble to her, except for the sweeping.

- and then there's cookies. People DO like cookies. We're packaging ours in little house boxes from Martha Stewart Living this year.

- you can also make little mini loaves of quick breads, if you have a really tasty bread recipe.

And now I'm tired out from all of this writing. Tomorrow, I'll make another post of simple craft ideas for Christmas gifts. It's Christmas all week at my blog! Where's my freaking eggnog?

Beck's Somewhat Hesitant List of Christmas Gift Suggestions

I am now very shyly going to show you some of the things we're buying for Christmas and some things that I think are good ideas. I'm going to presume, for the sake of the list, that everyone is in exactly the same financial boat as me - a bit of extra money but not enough to go all wild and extravagant - and also that you're in the same emotional conundrum of wanting to make the people you love happy while also wanting to spend in a responsible way.


The Thing: Cranium Whoonu and Zigity
For Who: A whole lot of different people - either your household, if you don't already have these games (Whoonu is a FUN party game - not too long, easy to learn, not embarrassing and lets people get to know each other while still letting them chat. It's also a really fun game to play on a Wednesday evening with your school-aged kids. And Zigity is a swell two-person game.) or a lively family you know. It's our gift for my brother and sister-in-law this year. Also, you could take them out of their package and give the board game as a present to a family and use the little card game as a stocking stuffer for your husband. You could, you know.
The Price: $19.99 in-store at Canadian Tire right now! (sorry, non-Canadian readers.)


The Thing: This Necklace (you'll have to scroll down on the page to find it)
For Who: Your very favorite sister. I don't have a sister, but if I did and she had kids, this is the sort of thing I would give her.
The Price: $44







The Thing: Chicks! For a family in the developing world.
For Who: NOT YOUNG CHILDREN, PLEASE. A friend of mine has a hilarious/heartbreaking story of her kindly intentioned in-laws telling each of their grandchildren that they'd got them rabbits... who were going to live with other children in the developing world. This did not go over well, and ended with a whole houseful of wailing children on Christmas day. So don't give these to little kids, okay? But they would be a TERRIFIC gift for a soulful giftee - the good friend with the social conscience, your minister or priest, your grandmother who doesn't want anyone to buy her another thing.
The Price: $20!

The Thing: Play-Doh.
For Who: Your little kid who is old enough not to eat it. Once they get old enough, the sets are lots of fun, too - my kids are particularly partial to the hair-cutting ones.
Price: This one is $11.95 at Amazon; I picked The Baby up a nice full-sized set for $7.




















The Thing: Big Fat Cookies
For Who: Your relative who LOVES to bake. Or me. It's also cheap enough that you could give it to a good friend fairly painlessly, with it being understood that baking books are ONLY fun if the recipient loves to bake.
Price: $12.21


The Thing: Thunderstruck by Erik Larson
For Who: Any literary manly men on your list, so possibly your husband or your brother. I'm getting it for my dad. (don't tell him, mom!)
Price: $17.13







The Thing: Lego City Fire Truck
For Who: Little Guys between 5 and 10.
Price: $29.95, although there are many cheaper items in the Lego fire truck line.








The Thing: Colour and Carry Messenger Bag
For Who: Artsy Girls Between 8 and 12.
Price: $24.99









The Thing: Handmade Cherry Baby Rattle
For Who: The Very Special New Baby in the family.
Price: $18.95








And that's my list! Maybe later I'll post my list of handmade/very inexpensive gift ideas for friends, neighbours and such.

Let's Go Through Oprah's Christmas Suggestions, Again!

Hey, last year almost to the DAY, I went through Oprah's Gift List and graded it, and I've thought that was PRETTY FUNNY ever since. So now bear with me while I do it AGAIN! (and I'm quoting the article, since I found it a masterpiece of unintentional humour.)

The Thing: Domaine Carneros Sparkling Wine
For Who?: "Give this to the new neighbour you want to befriend..."
The Price: $36.
My Grade: How do you know she DRINKS? Maybe she's a recovering alcoholic. And this is an awfully pricey gift for someone you hardly know - it would be a lovely gift for a friend, maybe, although my friends are NOT - for the record - getting $36 spent on them. So D- for the suggested recipient and C+ for anyone else, since it's kind of pricey.

The Thing: Hallmark Red Collection Cards, which are raising some money to fight AIDS.
For Who: "Anybody who loved the witty, altruistic T-shirts from Gap's (Product) Red."
The Price: $13 for 12
My Grade: Ugh. Was I the only one who thought that was a stupid, ineffectual campaign? Maybe I don't know "witty and altruistic" when I see it, but I hate crap like this that makes people feel like they're doing some big good thing when in reality they're just buying junk. But it's a card, so I'm just going to give it a C.

The Thing: A black satin clutch purse with a snowflake ornament.
For Who: "Your 20-something daughter who borrows your evening bags when she has a dressy event."
The Price: $20
My Grade: That's a fairly specific recipient, but hey - if you have a 20-something daughter who's always borrowing your clutch purses, this isn't a bad idea. So B+.

The Thing: William Morris floral print thermoses.
For Who: "Your flower-mad Anglophile friend who channels Vita Sackville-West."
The Price: $24
My Grade: Actually, they ARE cute thermoses, and would be a nice girly gift to a commuting friend. But I can't stop chortling over the idea of having a flower-mad Anglophile Vita-wannabe friend. THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Still, the thermoses ARE cute, and they're affordable, so A-.

The Thing: Martha Stewart's Ribbon Organizer
For Who: "Your craftsy aunt."
The Price: $17
My Grade: IT IS A BOX. A BOX THAT HOLDS RIBBON. And it is a nice enough thing, but who wants to get an EMPTY FREAKING BOX for Christmas? Not me. And not your aunt. Get her something better. Like the booze up at the top of the page. D-.

The Thing: "Hue Shoes", little striped ballerina slippers.
For Who: "Anyone who's ever been caught barefoot at airport security."
The Price $14.
My Grade: Hey, barefoot airport chum! Why ARE YOU NOT WEARING SOCKS? Ew. D-.

The Thing: Totes June 'Brellas.
For Who: "The coworker who's wedded to an oversized bag crammed with worst-case-scenario gear."
The Price: $20
My Grade: I must grudgingly admit that this might actually be a good co-worker sort of gift. B+.

The Thing: Sprinkles Cupcake Mix from Williams-Sonoma.
For Who: "Your sister's brats - er, kids."
The Price: $14
My Grade: Hey, this is actually sort of awesome AND it's affordable AND it would totally rescue some cold, miserable day in January. But what's with the weird anti-kid attitude, Oprah Magazine? A+ for the gift itself and F- for the anti-child attitude.

The Thing: Croc Pocket Makeup Brush Set
For Who: "Your perfectly turned-out, mildly trendy coworker, the one who's always being sent on business trips."
The Price: $18
My Grade: Zzzzzzzz... oh sorry, did I fall asleep? C, I guess. It's fine. But boring.

The Thing: Christmas-themed Felted Slipper Boots
For Who: "Any kid with friends both visible and invisible."
The Price: $38
My Grade: THIRTY EIGHT DOLLARS? For Christmas-themed slippers which the kid will no longer want to wear a week after Christmas? Um, NO. D.

The Thing: Artisan-made chocolates.
For Who: "Your cousin the art teacher, who swoons over beautiful food."
The Price: $28 for 12.
My Grade: Okay, they're fine. And if you live anywhere urban at all, there is almost certainly a talented chocolatier tucked away SOMEPLACE, and everyone DOES like chocolate. So this is, I guess, a dandy gift. I DO find it pricey but hey, maybe you're rich. B+.

The Thing: A woven-ribbon ball ornament... thing... filled with lavender.
For Who: This is apparently NOT for "the person who's stuck on snowmen, angels, popcorn and other traditional trimmings." Or me.
The Price: $40.
My Grade: Oh, RIGHT. F.

The Thing: Fleece-covered ear-warmer headphones.
For Who: "A teenager who's permanently connected to her iPod and leery of hats."
The Price $30.
My Grade: We've nearly run over about 20 teenagers recently because they're too freaking stupid to realize that listening to their MP3 player while walking down the road means that they are not going to hear oncoming traffic. AND who decided that headphones were LESS stupid looking than hats, anyhow? Buy that stupid teenager a fez. C-.

The Thing: Luridly candy-printed footy baby jammies.
For Who: Der, a baby.
The Price: $25.
My Grade: If you like lurid, this is fine. B-.

The Thing: Mayan Tuberose Candle
For Who: "The massage therapist who released that terrible knot in your shoulder..."
The Price: $48.
My Grade: FORTY EIGHT DOLLARS. FOR A CANDLE. FOR YOUR MASSAGE THERAPIST. F. (unless you're Oprah herself.)

The Thing: Wild Pomegranate Haunkkah Essentials
For Who: "The style-conscious couple who'd like an unkitschy alternative to blue-and-white Hanukkah candles."
The Price: $26
My Grade: These ARE quite nice. Aren't the holidays SUPPOSED to be kitschy, though? Still, nice. So A.

The Thing: A box of 12 soaps.
For Who: "The soap lover on your list."
The Price: $45.
My Grade: Good grief. $45? For soaps? Who loves soap THAT much? I'm sure they're very nice, but NO. F.

The Thing: A can of nuts. With some expensive stuff on them.
For Who: "Your brother - the suave bachelor (yeah, right - in his dreams.)"
The Price: $46. For a can of nuts.
My Grade: Hahahahaah. It's a $46 can of nuts. People are stupid. (oh, and now I not only hate my sister's children but I also hold my brother in scorn. Thanks for the help with my relationships, Oprah!) F.

The Thing: A blue and orange cashmere toque with little designer doohickeys on them.
For Who: "The fashion-forward niece who has zero tolerance for cold - or dowdy winter wear."
The Price: $75. And for an additional $75, you can get the matching gloves.
My Grade: I think blue and orange are just HIDEOUS together. Should you want to buy someone a cashmere hat, there are cheaper places to do so. D.

The Thing: The Ultimate Lip Candy Set with 34 Glosses.
For Who: "Cousin Francine, whose lips are chapped because her daughters are constantly borrowing her gloss."
The Price $70.
My Grade: I HATE presents like this where it looks like you're giving someone this luxe, over-the-top thing, but in reality you're just saddling them with 20 tubes of lip gloss in colours that they'll never, ever wear. Like blue. And it's SEVENTY BUCKS. Should you really like this idea, Victoria's Secret has smaller sets of usable colours of gloss for a more reasonable price or you can just go wild at Bonne Belle. D-.

The Thing: We Wish You Wealth Makeup Palette
For Who "Any makeup maven you know."
The Price: $52
My Grade: It's well-named, since you'd have to be actually wealthy to buy this. I don't like those all-in-one makeup palettes, because they're always full of a few good colours and a ton of colours that you'll just never need. If someone really likes makeup, either buy them a tube of REALLY GOOD lipstick in a classic colour or give them a gift card or something. Don't buy them this. D-.

The Thing: A polka dot garment bag with proceeds going to a children's charity.
For Who: "The well-groomed, business-tripping sister whose carry-on is rumpling her suits."
The Price: $59.
My Grade: Bleh. It's a garment bag. C.

The Thing: Clinique Happy Personalized Photo Bottle. And the bottle in the article has a picture of a dog on it.
For Who: "Your friend with the new puppy who sends you 15 new photos a day."
The Price: $52.
My Grade: Setting aside for a moment the idea of spending $52 on a gift for a friend - I'm cheap - let's think back on the attitude exhibited towards ACTUAL HUMANS prior to this... let's see... sister's children are brats, brother is a socially ackward doof... but the friend unhealthily obsessed with her FREAKING DOG? Well. Let's give her a bottle of perfume with the dog's picture on it. Oooookay. D-. And this WOULD have been a substantially higher grade had it not reflected certain disturbing modern trends in human relationships.

The Thing: A glossy, brightly coloured tote bag.
For Who: "The enviromentally minded friend whose reusable canvas bag is looking pretty grungy."
The Price: $78.
My Grade: I am literally speechless. Look - you want to get a friend a nice tote bag? Go to Etsy. There are tons of beautiful, unique tote bags there for much less than SEVENTY EIGHT DOLLARS. F.

The Thing: A really ugly frame. It's jade green and sort of geometric.
For Who: "The grandmother who has basically turned over her grand piano to pictures of you at all ages."
The Price: $95
My Grade: My grandma has a grand piano? Hey, we're actually giving - don't read this, Grandma! - all of the great-grandparents framed pictures of the kids for Christmas, since they don't want any more stuff and the smiling faces of my children are a treat any time. But they're getting them in inexpensive, simple frames that aren't going to ugly up the place. F.

The Thing: A shiny box with 26 cookies in it.
For Who: "Everyone you like but don't know well enough to buy socks for."
The Price: $65.
My Grade: HAHAHAAHA. I'm spending $2.50 a cookie. Because I am dumb. And I'm spending this much on SOMEONE I DON'T KNOW VERY WELL. People, making your own cookies is the easiest thing in the world. Really. Put them in a basket from Ten Thousand Villages and you have a lovely gift that costs MUCH less then this. Sheesh. F.

The Thing: A Louis Vuitton iPhone cover.
For Who: "Your well-connected i-Phone owning gal pal in Silicon Valley."
The Price: $225.
My Grade: Good GRIEF. No. This is stupid. Look, I have a rich friend? They're getting a picture of my kids and some cookies in the mail. They don't NEED me to buy them some chi-chi overpriced useless piece of junk and I should NOT be spending that kind of money on something that is basically just a logo. Ick. F-.

The Thing: A wooden recipe box with letterpress cards and dividers.
For Who: Your grandma.
The Price: $119.
My Grade: Your grandma ALREADY HAS a recipe box. Your grandma does NOT want to copy out all of her recipes again on some over-priced cards. Get her something else. F.

The Thing: Stingray-skin-covered cuff bracelet.
For Who: "Strong execs with no patience for jewelry that clinks and jangles."
The Price: $150.
My Grade: Uh. Yuck. I'm not an animal-rights-activist but this is just a big stupid waste of a stingray. And it's expensive. And it's ugly. F.

The Thing: A glass cookie jar full of chocolate-covered Oreos.
For Who: "The old friend who just started a new job."
The Price: $103.
My Grade: Wow, I must REALLY like my friends now! I like the idea well enough - it's a pretty glass cookie jar and chocolate-covered Oreos are yummy - but you could probably buy some candy at your local chocolate store and put this together yourself for a lot cheaper. D.

The Thing: A "squarish vintage-derived watch" in gold or silver.
For Who: "The business partner who has many virtues, of which promptness is not one."
The Price: $135.
My Grade: I have no clue - this is just so far removed from anything even remotely like my life. So my grade is a question mark. ?.

The Thing: XM Satellite Radio
For Who: "Anybody with a long drive to work."
The Price: $170
My Grade: This is what I'm getting my sweetie for Christmas! A lot of people around here have LONG commutes and radio reception is pretty bad - and so is local radio - so these have made a lot of local people REALLY happy. A+.

The Thing: A fancy atomizer.
For Who: oh, there's a long convoluted story here about a sister-in-law who went to Paris.
The Price: $180.
My Grade: Again, I have no idea. Perhaps this is the sort of thing that middle-aged rich people give each other, so I'll give it a C.

The Thing: A bagful of Italian food from Formaggio Kitchen.
For Who: "The friend you backpacked through Europe with in college."
The Price: $150.
My Grade: Backpacking trips through Europe, grandparents with grand pianos - I am a wealthy WASP! Heh. You can put together a tote bag or basket or whatever of gourmet food really quickly and MUCH more cheaply than this. But it's not a bad idea. So B-.

The Thing: A menswear-inspired white tuxedo shirt.
For Who: "Your Kate Hepburn-ish mentor."
The Price: $195.
My Grade: MY WHAT? I have a mentor? And she reminds me of Kate Hepburn? This article is really much too specific and seems to be instead the unintentional autobiography of the author. Anyhow. A white, menswear-inspired shirt is very nice, I'm sure, although I would look kind of stupid in one, since I'm not BUILT like Kate Hepburn. But I'll give it a B, since it IS a classic.

The Thing: 12 Months of Fruit
For Who: "Your favourite nephew, who just rented his first apartment in the big city."
The Price: A mind-boggling $490.
My Grade: I'm too boggled to come up with a grade.

The Thing: The Dell Inspiron 1420
For Who: "Your daughter the intense e-mailer and inspiring novelist."
The Price: starts at $899.
My Grade: Hey, those are cute. I want a red one. A. (although I find the idea of someone spending $900 on me for Christmas sort of ghastly. Still, maybe Bill Gates wants to get me a present.)

The Thing: A Burberry gold jacket.
For Who: "Your mother, still kicking around in her old car coat."
The Price: $595.
My Grade: My mother would disown me if I a) bought her a jacket that cost $600 and b) bought her a jacket this grimly unflattering. F.

The Thing: Bowers and Wilkins Zeppelin with iPod dock.
For Who: "The architecture fanatic with the minimalist apartment."
The Price: $600.
My Grade: Wow, I don't even want to KNOW these hypothetical people. They sound awful. This is sort of a spiffy looking stereo-speaker thing, though. B.

The Thing: Cuisinart 7 Quart Stand Mixer
For Who: You
The Price: $449
My Grade: Hey! This isn't the one I have, though - mine is smaller - but it IS amazing. If you love to bake, this would be a dream present. (And how did I get mine? Urban Moms has an affiliation with Cuisinart and Cuisinart has very generously sent me many spiffy things because of my Kitchen Party blog, which I like very much. There's a contest on the main page of Urban Moms for a Baileys/Expresso Machine package, which I CANNOT ENTER. But you could, if you like..) So I'm giving this a very openly biased A+.

The Thing: The Edward Bess Lip Wardrobe
For Who: "Your intrepid friend Eva, who has never shied away from expressing her personal style."
The Price: $350.
My Grade: THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS. FOR LIPSTICK. THAT SMELLS LIKE FIGS. F.

The Thing: A croc-textured silver business card case.
For Who: "The bright young thing (male or female) who hasn't been the same since reading F. Scott Fitzgerald.
The Price: $400.
My Grade: I think I just threw up a little. Here's a nice business card holder for $5 - and it has flames on it! - or you could buy them a yodelling pickle instead. It's what F. Scott would have wanted. F.

This was mostly pretty horrible. There were a few stand-outs - the cupcake kit, the stand mixer, the thermos, the laptop, the Haunakkah kit and the XM radio - but for the most part, it was ugly, overpriced rich people stuff. I think it would be fun - and USEFUL - to find out what YOU are giving the people in your actual lives, unless you're planning on giving everyone those stingray bracelets. Ew.

Your Daily Health Update

I'm pretty much on the mend now! Thanks for all of the good wishes.
It being Monday, my Kitchen Party post is up. In it, I make cruel, cruel fun of Bon Appetit magazine, who have really done me no wrong. I'm just petty. Petty and mean. Go say hi!

We interupt this illness

OH MY GOODNESS!
Until tomorow, Amazon has a handful of classic movies available for free download! GO watch Charade! And His Girl Friday! And My Man Godfrey!
That's what I'll be doing today - laying on the couch with a blanket and a cup of tea and thouroughly enjoying some really good old movies.
(rats - American only. So American readers - have fun!)

Hey there!

Did you miss me yesterday? I was having a jolly day, in which I threw up over and over and over again. It was a peach of a day.
Today I am on the mend, but I'm still probably not going to be on the computer much. So I hope everyone is doing well and hey, maybe I'll see y'all tomorrow.

Welcome to The Macho World

My son - and I am writing this with total love - has recently turned into a GREAT BIG GOOBER. He wants to go to MONSTER TRUCK RALLIES. He wants us to buy a freaking ATV. He wants to construct massive piles of dining room chairs in the living room and send all of his little cars hurtling noisily over them. He wants little sisters to get the heck out of his way, and if they don't, that's a shovin'. My husband and I spend much of our time right now staring at him with total disbelief because our sweet little guy has suddenly morphed into a BOY. And a rather redneck boy, at that.

I always wanted to be the mother of daughters. My childhood was full of boys and little cars and violent superhero cartoons and earnest attempts to build bike jumps and by the time I hit adulthood, I'd had enough of boy culture, thank you. My first child was very obligingly a girl and I had lots of fun living out all of my girly childhood dreams - tea parties and dolls and funny hats and black Mary Jane shoes (regardless of my oldest child's lack of interest in all of that...). Then I had my boy and I was a bit lost about what I could possibly do with him because he was a little baby guy and all.

There's a lot of shuddering in the mothers of my acquaintance over the grotesque little girl kinderwhore culture over such hideous toys as this:

and this:
And yes, toys like this are like a great big F- in parenting. I mean, who wants to buy their daughters toys that advocate dressing like hookers and PARTYING IN THE BACK OF VANS? I don't think someone has to be Amish to disapprove of skanky little girl culture. But little boy culture doesn't get mentioned much.

When I first had kids, I thought that gender was entirely a societally created construct and now I don't. My kids each came out with almost their entire personalities - The Girl her own reserved, deep water self, The Boy gregarious and open hearted and a tad thoughtless, and The Baby with her surly charm - and a large part of their pre-assembled selves is their gender. Raised by cautious, quiet parents, The Boy is a loud, fearless brazen fellow, rushing to the top of the monkey bars without any encouragement from us and I don't wish him different to make myself feel more comfortable with his other-ness.

But oh God, the fear I feel. The other night my middle brother and I were counting the number of our male contemporaries who have died since high school, and it's just a nightmarishly high number - guys who blew themselves up, died in snow machine or ATV accidents, guys who died in hideously dangerous jobs - it horrifies me. My son's middle name is shared with a paternal uncle who died young in a very male accident, and it's hard not to feel haunted by these ghosts, by the perilous path that boys follow to manhood. Much of my parenting energy is spent warding off tarted-up girl culture, and I have been reasonably successful. But it's haunting to wonder what toxic things I'm allowing to seep into my Boy's world, what path leads to a whole classroom full of dead boys in my life.

Memeity

Hey everyone! Want to know seven odd things about me? Sure you do.... and by "you", I mean The Third Eve, Mary Beth, Babbler and Lotus (did I forget anyone? I hope not.). So here you go - Seven Weird Things About Me.
1. I wear a lot of deeply v-neck shirts. I think it distracts from the rest of my physique, you see. And also, I am foxy. So anyhow, tonight my darling husband made some pizza for supper and I was happily eating a piece when a ton of scalding cheese fell upon my exposed cleavage.
Perhaps this is a sign that I should wear turtlenecks. Or a bib.
2. I like goofy socks. Of course, I'm not normally a picture of sartorial elegance so I don't think my striped socks shocks anyone from the image formed by my normally staid wardrobe or anything.
3. I believe everyone has been informed of my deeply held mouse phobia. Did I mention that I had to leave the room while my family watched Ratatouille this weekend? It was like a freaking horror movie.
And I can't think of any more. Maybe tomorrow.

Slouching Mom wants to know what I sing to my kids. Oh, I sing all the time! I like to sing out normal everyday things like "CUT THAT OUT, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!" (that one is rather operatic) and "Isn't It Time You Guys Were In Bed?". Classics.
I also sing them:
"Older" by They Might Be Giants, which is pretty obnoxious of me.
"The Trolley Song" by Judy Garland. Ding ding ding went their mother.
and finally:
"If I Knew You Were Coming, I'd Have Baked A Cake." ("You're always singing that and you're NEVER BAKING ME A CAKE!" - The Boy.)

A Busy Morning

The Baby and I have a parteee to go to this morning - a friend is having a photographer come to her house and all of the toddlers and babies of her acquaintance are coming over to hang out and get their pictures taken. I made a cheesecake for my Kitchen Party blog (two posts in ONE week!) and so that's coming with us (or rather, is already there, courtesy of my dad.).

Anyhow, so we're off now.
Edited to add: We're back and the cheesecake was a hit! Also, I don't think I've ever been in a room with so many brand new babies before in my whole life - I feel rather pregnant right now.

Spider Mom, Spider Mom

I think I've blogged this story before, but it's still a good one.
We have a back shed where my husband keeps everything he has ever owned. On rare occasion, I have reason to venture into said shed to haul something or other out or to stash something of his away. A few years ago, my mother was putting something in the shed and called me over, very cheerfully.

On her palm sat the biggest spider I have ever seen in my life, a fearsome wolf spider with a tremendous egg sac - the size of a DIME - clutched in its mouth.

I'm not, as a rule, scared of spiders. I rescue them from tubs without a qualm and have a rather live-and-let live attitude about the presence in my house, which goes a long way towards the Halloweeny prevelance of cobwebs EVERYWHERE. But that spider - crowding hairily on my mother's palm - caused me to run backwards, shrieking. BECAUSE IT WAS TERRIFYING.

My mom gave me her Stop Being Ridiculous look and asked me for a jar to bring her awesome spider home in. I was more than happy to provide her with one, since she was going to take Gargantua away with her, and she did. My parents admired her huge catch for a while and then released her into the field behind their house, her egg sac still safe in her mouth. No doubt the giant spider still lives there, catching huge birds in her sheet-sized webs and scuttling around, knee-high to the cattle. I'm not going to check, but you can feel free.

(and have you checked out my Kitchen Party post yet? In it, I sound cranky and about 150 years old. The Girl's cough was almost instantly helped by her new inhalers, so we're pretty hopeful that we're on the right path. And the potAto ("pototo?") soup was great - recipe to come later.)

A bit tired out....

I've got a Kitchen Party post up right now - go have a look-see.

We spent this morning at the Legion - my older kids were the representatives for their school at the wreath-laying ceremony and were poignantly sweet, walking to the front of the crowded room hand-in-hand. They are brave, my two, and make my heart feel like it's cracking in half sometimes. "Oh, look at the little darlings!" said the older woman sitting beside me, not knowing, and I got to whisper that they were MY kids.

Later on, The Boy had a buddy over and the two five year old boys managed to generate an awesome amount of noise, this sheer wall of exuberance. His mother and I had a bemused, dismayed conversation and it was a pleasant time, even if my ears are still ringing. I tend to be stingy with inviting his friends over just because they're so loud and so raucous and I cringe at the anarchy of boyhood but I realized this weekend that I was making him sad, making him feel like his friends were unwelcome, my brown-eyed, sweet-hearted boy. So come on over, friends of my son! Please, feel free to break stuff.

I also read some books this weekend: Look Me In The Eye and The Naming Of The Dead. And I fell asleep on the couch this afternoon, waking up in a drooling, heavy-headed haze. Napping is great except for the gummy aftermath...

Then I made the Chocolate Beet Cake I have posted on my new food blog (and yes, I will be adding a bunch of different recipes this week, some of which are NOT DESSERTS. SHOCKING!). That recipe should really come with the warning to make it in SECRET and NOT to tell anyone what is in it, because YEESH, no one at my place would try more than a bite, terrified lest their pure palates be tainted by vile, vile beets. Oh HUSH, you bunch of babies.

His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead. (The Dead, by James Joyce)

But mostly the snow is just falling upon my backyard and upon the toys that we have yet to put away. And on my kid, who staggered around the yard in heavy, unfamiliar hand-me-down boots, snow falling onto her face.

I'm never certain how to dress my kids at this time of year - it's not yet seriously cold and there's not enough snow to justify snowboots and snowpants, but it IS wet and cold enough to make regular clothing not quite enough and to send them home from school each day with sodden, filthy mittens stuffed into their backpacks.

And then there are the surprise wardrobe announcements that happen occasionally, like this morning when The Girl said - twenty minutes before it was time for her to go - that she needed to wear red and black clothing to school today.

I did a brief and somewhat frenzied mental inventory of her wardrobe and came up with a) a red jogging suit and b) a spiffy red vest, and I just remembered now that she has a c) black velvet dress, so looking back on it, I guess she could have worn the vest and the dress, but I was under serious pressure and couldn't think of anything better than the red vest over a longsleeved t-shirt and jeans. It wasn't until we'd made the necessary wardrobe change that I calmed down enough to ask her WHY she needed this particular colour combination today.

"Because I'm singing a song for Remembrance Day in front of the whole school," she said, calmly.

Uh, what?

"Didn't I tell you about that, Mama? I thought I had." she shrugged, cheerfully. Then she obliged me by singing me the little song that she sang again this morning, in her fragile, quiet little voice, to the tune of Frere Jacques:

We remember/ On this day/ Soldiers on the hillside/Far away

And then skipped off to school, excited to be singing a song in front of the whole school, while someplace far away snow falls on the graves of some long dead boys, far, far away from this very spot where once upon a time they used to live.

Ta da!

This (was) a toque! With a Canadian in it! A Canadian who is NOT WEARING MAKEUP!


A toque is a type of warm winter hat. My husband calls them "head socks." And I don't think there's really anything more to say about them. I COULD tell you that mine cost me $5 and came from the Hardware Store, but...


I am putting together the church newsletter today. They also serve who only sit and type, you know. As a result of my putting off my clerical duties, today is One Big Rush and I really should not be blogging at all. For shame, me!

My baby brother has returned from Winnipeg and he brought me a present:

A Jane Austen Choose-Your-Own Adventure novel. I was SO excited! What an excellent brother.

Off to finish my newsletterly burden.

(Edited to add: my buddy Karla is having a Thanksgiving/Holiday recipe round-up, and I bet you have some terrific holiday recipes. Why not go over and see what's up?)

EDITED AGAIN TO ADD: IT IS MY THIN ANGLE, PEOPLE! ANY OTHER POSE AND I FEEL LIKE AN OWL! AN OWL WITH JOWLS!

Can This Marriage Be Saved?

I read the other day that some couple use humour as a way of avoiding intimacy, which raised my eyebrows in furrowed concern, since my husband and I primarily communicate by making each other laugh. I told him this, and he said "Well, we can be intimate if you want, but I'm pretty tired."

THAT IS NOT WHAT THEY MEANT. But it did make me laugh.

It's been a rainy, dull week, and I feel a bit rainy and dull myself. But I do have some semi-exciting news! I have a new recipe blog! I've copied over all of my recipes from this blog, my old blog and my Kitchen Party posts and I'll be adding new ones all the time. Also, if there's anything you want, let me know and I'll see if I can add it. The comments ARE on over there, so feel free to use them - let me know if a recipe looks good or if you've tried it and what you think. So enjoy!

I'm back!

Well, that was a "fun" weekend. But no more about that - my Kitchen Party post is up today! Go over and say hi.

The Chronicles Of Nausea

I woke up this morning to one of my least favorite sounds in the world - the sound of one of my small people throwing up strenuously in the washroom.
Fan-freaking-tastic.
And just to make things EVEN MORE MAGICAL, I am not feeling good myself.
So adieu, au revoir, I'll see you later.

The Eyes Are The Groin Of The Head

Today is the most magical day of the week - grocery list day! Oh boy!
I'm sort of boringly organized in this area of my life (and this area alone, tragically). Let me share the dullness with you!

Here Is What I Spend My Friday Mornings Doing, In List Form:
1. Check cupboards. Make list of anything promising found therein. Make secondary list of necessary pantry items that are missing.
2. Check fridge. Repeat rest of number one.
3. Check grocery store flyers. Make note of any Really Terrific Sales.
4. Check ongoing "Things I Want To Cook" list that I keep, this massive list of promising recipes from my dozens of cookbooks and food magazines. If there's anything that uses items from one, two and three, it's a winner for this week!
5. Fill in a daily grid with recipes - breakfast, lunch, snack and supper.
6. Fill in my grocery list.
7. Fall into a coma because I am such a total freaking housewife.

So this week - just from checking the cupboards and fridge - I know that we'll be having:
1) fish tacos
2) sweet and sour stir-fry on brown rice
3) probably beef stew with homemade bread
4) chorizo scrambled eggs for breakfast on the weekend
5) oatmeal/chocolate chip/craisin/marshmallow cookies
and
6) gluten-free pumpkin muffins.
So now I have to figure out four more suppers, based on what I've already planned, what the kids' need for their lunchboxes, what The Baby is out of and what my husband will be taking for breakfast this week - and that's pretty much a whole afternoon's work.

Of course, this is NOT a fool-proof system - we've been out of black pepper for weeks, for one, and will likely continue to be so. However, it's still my favorite household task, because it combines the fun of food with the fun of making lists and the fun of pretending to be all grown-up and organized.

How does your family handle grocery shopping? Are you listmakers? Do you plan out your menus in advance or let inspiration grab you in the grocery store? Let me know!

The Day Of The Dead

Peg Bracken died recently. I heard the news with one of those small stabs of sadness since she has always been one of my very, very favorite writers. I keep my copy of the I Hate To Cook Book (That's not a link to the actual book, but rather to the combined 2 volume edition which you may as well go ahead and get.)beside my bed at all times, flipping through it and chuckling and admiring Hilary Knight's drawings for the millionth time.

Here's a recipe straight from the book:

Orange-Carrot Salad.
6 small servings
Prepare one package of orange jello, using one and a half cups of liquid.
Pare and shred a large carrot. When the jello is semi-firm, avert your eyes and
stir in the carrot shreds - also a small can of pineapple chunks, if you have some. Let
it jell the rest of the way in the refrigerator.

"Avert your eyes" - heh. I have made this quite often since my children will eat it when they won't eat ANY other vegetables, and now The Girl can make it herself, so long as I handle the boiling water part. My only change to this sturdy little recipe would be to DRAIN THE PINEAPPLE first.

I got my copy from my grandma's house - she very kindly let me take it home after my grandfather's funeral and I poured over it on the way home, sitting in the backseat of our car next to The Boy, who was almost three months old and who had never met my grandpa. I had The Boy in late January and my grandfather started failing soon afterwards, while staying down south with one of his daughters. I would make plans to get down to say goodbye to him and then be overwhelmed by the idea of travelling so far in the winter with a newborn and so I never did. The Boy nursed constantly and I would wake up each morning that winter full of milk and sadness. My grandfather came home for his funeral.

It took a few readings of the book before I noticed that there was a name written on the first page in a strong slanting hand - Clara, my great-grandmother who had died at a tremendously old age when I was 17 and who had been brave and good-humoured and in terrible pain and fond, in an abstracted sort of way, of her dozens of great-grandchildren. Some of the recipes in the book are checked off in her firm hand - Chicken-Artichoke Casserole was apparently a real favorite which is something I can't even imagine, my great-grandmother not even quite old yet, vigorously middle-aged and making fancy company casseroles.

I never really knew her, although I saw her quite often. I was an unhappy and not terribly sensitive child and she was one of the hosts of very, very old people who I had in apparent abundance in my life at that time, people who blended together in a kind of fragile wrinkly anonymity and who would gradually fade away and not be at family gatherings any more. So it is a funny sort of feeling to think that I have grown into a woman much like her (we like the same cookbooks, anyhow), that we could have been friends, maybe, had we not been separated by 76 years.

"On this mountain," the Bible verse goes, "the LORD Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples," something I picture as being much like one of those crowded long-gone buffet suppers at my grandma's house. Maybe I will look up from my plate - which will hold, perhaps, orange-carrot salad and chicken artichoke casserole, although I rather hope not - and meet my great-grandmother's bemused eyes, and we will know each other for the first time.

Peg Bracken died recently. I heard the news with one of those small stabs of sadness since she has always been one of my very, very favorite writers.